


How to Disappear Completely

by Nessa_NanoDesu



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, F/F, Fluff, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Self-Harm, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-04-25 18:56:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 23,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14385015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nessa_NanoDesu/pseuds/Nessa_NanoDesu
Summary: The Literature Club members mostly went their separate ways after graduating. That is, until Natsuki and Yuri are suddenly reunited under unusual circumstances. Soon all of the original club members begin to be drawn together again, as though a mysterious force is at work in the girls' lives. It seems that either their bond will grow stronger than ever, or the club members will finally split for good.





	1. I'm Not Here

If there was one word to describe Yuri, it would be  _safe_.

At least that was how it felt to her now, as she stared out the window of the university library. The rain formed blurry lines on the glass. Water always moved towards the path of least resistance, and Yuri obeyed those same laws.

Things hadn’t really changed with college. Yuri had gone to a small liberal arts college after getting out of high school. She chose small because she thought it would help her feel more comfortable. The fact that it wasn’t far from her home wasn’t a coincidence either. She was still living at home, as the thought of dorming or moving out had proved too overwhelming. She simply drove to classes each day. It was all incredibly safe. She had ultimately made no effort to move out of her comfort zone after high school.

There was a part of Yuri realized this, and agonized over it. She tried to ignore it, but at the same time, she knew that with her grades she could have set her sights much higher. So many possibilities had been floating just within her grasp, and she let it all go. And for what? She was now an English major at a college that was no more than a microscopic blip to the rest of the world.

The days seemed to pass by so quickly, rapidly moving towards an unclear future. A sense of ennui filled Yuri, but the irony is that she had created this world of banality for herself. If she ever just forced herself to do something…

The campus library was expansive enough to keep her thoroughly occupied with reading though. Reading was her escape, and her chance to experience life outside of a comfort zone. Outside of social anxiety.

Perhaps her mood was being driven by the rain, which drizzled down the glass in smooth lines as though they were the veins of the library itself, a living being inside which she could find sanctuary. The soft hum of the lights were the groanings of organs at work to maintain life. Perhaps if she stayed here too long she would end up digested, forced to meld into the body of the library.

Yuri's pocket vibrated. She pulled out her phone.

_Natsuki: Hey what's up?_

Natsuki was the last person Yuri had expected to get a text from. It was surprising to say the least, considering that it had been months since the last time they had talked. Yuri had never interacted with Natsuki to any great degree outside of the literature club and once Yuri started going to college they essentially had lost all reason to communicate. Yet Yuri still felt her heart flutter for a moment at the sight of the text. Was she really that desperate for attention?

_Yuri: I'm reading at the library. What are you doing?_

_Natsuki: I need you to pick me up._

The surprises were multiplying. Of course Natsuki wouldn’t actually ask, she had to make demands. Yuri thought about asking why for a moment, but then thought better of it. Although her relationship with Natsuki was perhaps not on the best terms, it was not too unreasonable to describe the nature of their connection as friendship. Questioning Natsuki too much was an easy way to elicit her notorious hostility.

_Yuri: Should I pick you up from your home? At what time do you want to be picked up?_

_Natsuki: This isn’t like some kind of a date or something dummy! I just need you to pick me up right now from the park._

_Yuri: Is something wrong?_

_Natsuki: Are you going to pick me up or do I need to ask someone else?!_

_Yuri: Hold on, I will be there as soon as I can._

Feeling a touch of anxiousness, Yuri packed up her things and left the library. It was truly strange to be contracted by Natsuki, and her demand to be picked up only compounded the oddities. It seemed very urgent though, and Natsuki had for whatever reason entrusted Yuri with the duty of picking her up.

Yuri pulled out an umbrella before braving the rain outside the library. She had thought that the soft drops were so beautiful earlier, bringing out the smell of earth as they softly crashed into the soil. Now it all felt like an obstacle, and Yuri could feel anxiety rising up inside her as she rushed through the parking lot to her car.

As she began making the drive to the park, Yuri began to realize why Natsuki may have contacted her over anyone else. Yuri’s home and college were not too far from the park, whereas Sayori and Monika both attended a public university on the other side of town. Natuski made the choice simply out of practicality, as there was no one else close enough. The former members of the literature club were most likely still the closest friends Natsuki had.

Yuri was no different though. She had unfortunately managed to avoid making any meaningful connections so far in her classes. In contrast, Yuri was sure that Sayori and Monika were having no trouble making new friends at their university. They responded to texts less and less these days.

It wasn’t long before Yuri arrived at the park. The rain was falling quite heavily now and Yuri feared that Natsuki may have been steeped in the rain. She pulled into the parking lot but could not immediately see Natsuki.

_Yuri: I'm in the parking lot._

Soon Natsuki appeared from under the cover of some trees. She was struggling with what appeared to be a suitcase. It seemed too big for her to properly handle. Her pink hair lay flat against her head. She trudged forward with determined steps, despite the obvious strain on her small arms.

Yuri wondered for a moment if she should go help before finally getting out of the car and running towards Natsuki. She then turned around and ran back to the car to grab the umbrella. With umbrella in hand, Yuri jogged as fast as she could without feeling too self conscious.

“Oh dear!” Yuri said, “This is- you look- you look like you are having trouble!”

“No shit, Sherlock,” Natsuki said. Her face was reminiscent of that of a cat who had accidentally fallen into a bathtub full of water, her fang-like teeth becoming visible as she snarled the words.

“Oh goodness,” Yuri said, becoming visibly flustered and clasping her hands together repeatedly as she attempted to process the situation.

“Let me help you,” She finally said, make a gesture as though reaching for the suitcase but not actually completing the motion as she waited for permission.

“I don’t need help,” Natsuki said through gritted teeth. “Your car is right there, it's not that far.” She furrowed her brow as though to convince Yuri.

Yuri continued to wring her hands as she followed alongside Natuski, unsure of how to act or what to say. She was always so useless. This was the kind of situation in which she would have looked to Sayori for a bit of guidance. Sayori was good at handling social interactions.

Once they reached the car, Natsuki put her suitcase into the trunk and then climbed into the passenger seat. Her clothes were drenched. There was a moment of silence as Yuri considered the situation.

Yuri was about to try and say something when Natsuki finally burst into tears.


	2. Complications Cloud

Yuri had no idea how to handle a crying Natsuki. It was actually not an uncommon scenario back in high school, as Natsuki had been relatively easy to upset. Its just that back in those days, Natsuki would simply run out of the classroom for a bit.

In this case, Yuri had no involvement in Natsuki's reason for crying (at least as far she knew). It seemed like the most reasonable course of action would be to try and comfort her. But Yuri had no example by which to follow beyond what she had read in books, and she was old enough to know that trying to copy the actions of a character in book was often a good way to embarrass one's self.

Of course, more than anything, Yuri felt sympathetic towards Natsuki. Seeing Natsuki crying in the passenger seat of her car was heartbreaking. Yuri really wanted to reach out and hug Natsuki.

Somehow Yuri didn’t think Natuski would like that.

“Are you okay, Natsuki?” Yuri asked.

It was an incredibly dumb thing to say. Natuski was obviously not okay. Nothing that would be of much actual assistance was coming to Yuri's head though.

Natsuki didn’t acknowledge Yuri’s words. Her mascara had turned into dark smudges below her eyes from the rain and tears. Her clothes were still dripping onto the seat. The way her hair and clothes clung to her skin made her look even smaller.

Yuri thought about reaching just her hand out to her, to offer some kind of comfort. It wouldn’t be as awkward as a hug, but it might still lend Natsuki the emotional support she needed.

Slowly Yuri moved out her hand towards Natsuki. It took a ridiculous amount of effort to even raise it from her side. Yuri then started to wonder where she would even put her hand. Perhaps a touch on the shoulder would be okay. But that could also be condescending. Yuri started to panic as she saw Natsuki's pink eyes briefly flicker her way.

Yuri grabbed the gear shift, cursing herself several times in her head for her lack of courage. She pulled out of the parking lot, making sure to avoid looking at Natsuki as she turned her head back to look out the rear window.

As they started driving, Natsuki’s breaths began to slow down. Yuri glanced over at her and saw that the tears had mostly stopped. Natsuki sniffled.

Yuri didn’t really have a destination in mind because Natuski had yet to give her directions. She glanced again at Natsuki, wondering if she should ask. It didn’t seem like a good time though.

“Can I stay with you?” Natuski said after another moment, not making eye contact but simply staring ahead out at the rain.

“Stay with me? Oh, uh,” Yuri said, stammering as she tried to figure out what Natsuki meant.

“I got into a fight with my dad,” Natuski said.

_Sniffle._

“I can’t go back home,” She added. “I can’t go home or he’ll-”

Natsuki stopped mid sentence, apparently unwilling to finish that thought.

_Sniffle._

“Oh,” Yuri said, “You can stay with me. Of course. That is no problem. Yes, staying with me is perfectly fine. I mean, that would be great. Yes, that is great.”

Yuri noticed she was furiously picking at a strand of her hair. She stopped and turned to give what she hoped was a reassuring smile to Natsuki.

Natuski just stared forward. She had brought her feet up onto the chair and was hugging her knees.

Yuri knew that Natsuki had issues with her father, but she didn’t know that things were this bad. She wondered how long Natsuki would have to stay.

It wasn’t long before they arrived at Yuri’s house. It was tall and white, with a steep roof and large windows. Yuri’s mother had a well paying job which could afford them the luxury of a nice view of the city from atop a hillside.

When they left the car, Yuri decided to grab Natsuki’s suitcase, who didn’t seem to mind now. She fumbled with the keys as she tried to open the door. Natsuki just sniffled again.

“So uh, this is my house,” Yuri said as she opened the door and stepped into the living room. She smiled weakly as she closed the door behind the shivering Natsuki.

“You got a bathroom?” Natuski asked. Her eyes flickered around the room anxiously.

“Oh yes, excuse me,” Yuri said. “It’s right here.”

Yuri opened the door to the bathroom and let Natsuki walk inside. There was a pause as Yuri waited for Natsuki to close the door.

“I need my suitcase…” Natsuki said, reaching out.

“Oh right!” Yuri said, “My apologies!”

As Natsuki got changed, Yuri attempted to make herself comfortable in one of the chairs as she waited. She was very used to living alone, and she wasn't sure how to handle suddenly living with another person.

When Natsuki later emerged from the bathroom, she was wearing a white skirt and pink top. She had cleaned up her makeup and dried off her hair. Now that her hair was dried, Yuri noticed that it was longer than when they had been in high school. Natsuki didn’t have it up in the twintails Yuri had grown so accustomed to seeing her with. Yuri really liked the way it looked.

"What?" Natsuki said, noticing Yuri's stare with a frown.

Yuri blushed and averted her gaze. Natsuki began to rub her arms, which appeared to be covered in goosebumps.

“Um, would you like a sweater of mine to wear?” Yuri asked.

“I’m fine!” Natsuki said immediately, crossing her arms.

“Oh,” Yuri said, thrown off by the sudden outburst. “I just noticed you looked like you were shivering…”

Natsuki looked away and bit her lip.

“Okay,” She said.

“You want me to bring you a sweater?” Yuri asked to clarify.

“Yeah duh,” Natuski said, with an annoyed look on her face.

“Okay,” Yuri said, about to leave for her room.

Natsuki’s expression softened though she opened her mouth slightly like she wanted to say something. Yuri could faintly make out some mumbling.

“I’m sorry, would you be able to repeat that?” Yuri asked.

Natsuki mumbled again a little louder.

“I’m sorry, I still can’t hear you…”

Natsuki mumbled again even louder.

“I still can’t understand what you-”

“THANK YOU!!!” Natsuki said, clenching her fists at her side.

Yuri jumped in surprise. Natuski’s face turned bright red and she looked away. Unable to think of any way to respond, Yuri walked quickly to her room to grab a sweater.

Yuri and Natsuki had never been very good at communicating with each other, but Yuri felt as though things were worse now. It was probably due to the length of time since they had last seen each other. At least Natsuki had said thank you though. Yuri smiled to herself.

As she rummaged through her closet for her smallest sweater, Yuri saw her antique chest out of the corner of her eye. She froze for a moment. The last thing she wanted was for Natsuki to find the chest. It was the part of her personality she was most ashamed of and there would be no way to explain it to Natsuki.

Over one of the summers of high school, Yuri had found the chest while rummaging around in the attic. She had brought it to her room and replaced one of the latches that was broken, spent a day repainting it, and finally made her own key for the lock as the original had been lost. It became the perfect place to store her ever growing knife collection. The chest and her knives were her most prized possessions, and they meant so much to her, but there was no way to explain that to anyone.

As Yuri locked up the old chest, she stopped for a moment to look at her arm, the sleeve having fallen back to expose the skin. The human body can bleed out from a cut on the wrist in two to fifteen minutes. Yuri dragged a finger softly across the skin of her wrist. To walk that edge, where one mistake could have such repercussions…

Hearing noises from outside her room, Yuri snapped back into reality. She quickly moved away from her chest and grabbed a sweater.

Once she was back in the living room, Yuri quickly noticed that Natuski was nowhere to be found. Yuri thought about calling her name but felt a little shy so she checked a couple nearby rooms. Hearing another noise, Yuri noticed that the sounds were coming from the kitchen.

Approaching the kitchen, she saw Natsuki bent forward staring into the fridge. Yuri thought Natsuki looked short enough to climb inside.

As she entered, Yuri’s footsteps reverberated off the hardwood floor. Suddenly in a flash of motion Natuski spun around, slamming the fridge door closed.

In a flash of motion Natsuki spun around, eyes open wide as she slammed the fridge door shut. "I'm sorry pa-"

She stood frozen for a moment, face completely pale, as she seemed to realize that she was talking to Yuri. She leaned forward and put a hand on the counter, seemingly trying to steady herself. Her face transformed from terror into what looked like anger as she turned bright red.

“Why didn’t you say something, Yuri!” Natuski said, “God, you can’t just sneak up on people like that.”

She turned away, crossing her arms.

“I- I’m terribly sorry,” Yuri said, “I was just looking for you. Here.”

Yuri held out her hand holding the sweater. Natsuki sighed and took the sweater, glaring at Yuri.

"It's orange," Natsuki said as she put it on.

It was also three sizes too big.


	3. The Easiest World To Get Lost In

Yuri woke up to a text from Monika.

_Monika: You must feel special that Natuski picked to stay with you~_

_Yuri: It was the only option after all. Natuski couldn’t stay in your dorms._

_Monika: Aw, that’s cute that you’re trying to rationalize it, but Sayori and I actually moved into an apartment a while ago and Natuski knows it. It’s just about as close to her house as your place is._

_Monika: Just food for thought ;)_

_Yuri: I’m sure there are plenty of factors involved. It would be impossible to know exactly why Natuski chose to stay with me._

_Monika: You could ask her~_

Yuri put her phone on her nightstand. There was no way in hell she would ask Natuski why she chose to stay with her. It was definitely strange to think that Natuski chose her over Sayori and Monika though. Hadn’t Natuski been closer to Sayori in high school?

Yuri looked down at her arms. How could Natuski feel safe in the home of someone like this? She traced her finger along the white scars. If Natsuki knew, she would have chose to stay with Sayori and Monika in a heartbeat. Yuri knew it.

Worried that Natsuki was already awake and alone in the house, Yuri decided it would be a good idea to get up and go check. She put on a sweater, making sure her arms were completely covered before leaving her room.

Yet before she left, Yuri walked over to the chest in the corner of the room and unlocked it. She picked up one of her custom knives. This one had a beautiful fiddleback maple handle. She slipped it into her pocket. Have one of her knives with her always helped to ease her anxiety.

Yuri yawned as she locked up the chest and left her room. It had been surprisingly difficult to sleep knowing Natuski was in the room next door to her all night. Hearing Natsuki’s bed squeak every time she rolled over was a constant reminder that she was only a room away.

Once again, Yuri heard sounds from the kitchen and quickly found Natuski cooking away.

“G-good morning, Natsuki!” Yuri said, careful this time to announce her presence so she wouldn't scare Natsuki.

Natuski still flinched a bit. But when she turned around, spatula in hand, she gave Yuri a proud smile. “I’m almost finished with a breakfast that will knock your socks off.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t get up sooner.” Yuri sat down at the counter and started twirling her hair in her hand. “I would have made something so you wouldn’t have to…”

“I owe you one anyway, for letting me stay here,” Natuski said, back to focusing on her cooking. “Plus I can’t resist it when your kitchen has so many good ingredients.”

“Ah, yes, I go shopping regularly. I’m glad you found my kitchen to your liking though.”

“You know I’m gonna be using it all the time,” Natsuki said, a mischievous look on her face.

“Of course, I don’t mind," Yuri said.

It was surprising to see Natsuki so happy, but also a huge relief. Yuri never was able to handle Natsuki’s snarky attitude well, so she certainly didn’t mind if Natuski was being more friendly. Yuri also noticed that Natuski was still wearing the orange sweater from the day before. Somehow the fact that it was so large on her made it look particularly cute. Yuri felt a strong emotion welling up in her. It was probably jealousy. If only she looked as adorable as Natsuki in a sweater.

“You better be ready for the best cinnamon buttermilk pancakes you’ve ever had, Yuri!” Natsuki lifted the skillet off the stove and Yuri cringed as Natuski’s long sleeve brushed over the stovetop. That couldn’t be safe. Natsuki twirled over to the counter, where she dumped a pancake on a plate. She pushed it forward towards toward Yuri and then stood proudly, hands on her hips. “Behold my greatest creation!”

Yuri breathed in a powerful whiff of cinnamon. “This smells delicious, Natuski. Thank you so much.”

Natsuki stood there with a smug look as Yuri went to take a bite. As she started chewing on the pancake, Yuri noticed that Natuski’s brow furrowed a bit, as though she were trying to decipher how Yuri felt about the pancake.

Yuri made sure to swallow before speaking. “This is amazing, you really are a culinary expert.”

Natuski’s expression turned quickly from worry back to arrogance. “Yeah, of course I am.”

They ate breakfast together in silence for a while, unsure of what to talk about.

“Where is your family?” Natsuki asked.

“My mom’s job keeps her very busy so she is rarely home,” Yuri said. “I am alone here the majority of the time.”

Natuski nodded as though she wanted to say something. She remained silent though.

“Um, remember when we both wrote a poem about the beach?” Yuri said.

“Yeah,” Natuski said, “I was surprised you wanted us to write about the same topic.”

“I remember being surprised because _you_ were the one to suggest it.”

“Me? I didn’t! You said we should write about the beach.”

“I distinctly remember you being the instigator.”

“Yeah right, you just wanted to pick a simple topic like the beach so you could write something really metaphorical about it and impress me.” Natsuki crossed her arms and gave a _humphf_!

Yuri took a deep breath. The conversation wasn’t going to go anywhere if she kept arguing with Natuski. “Well… regardless of who suggested the idea, I should have told you... that your poem was impressive. Your poem was very powerful despite being outside of your comfort zone.”

Natuski eyes widened for a brief moment before a scowl returned to her face. “Y-yeah, well you just didn’t think I could write metaphorically.”

“I never thought that you couldn’t write metaphorically, I just hadn’t seen an example until then. I was… I was thinking about that poem the other day and it was very interesting because it was almost a halfway point between our two styles. Looking back, it feels like you were reaching out but I didn’t meet you halfway. I… I regret that we never became closer. I never tried hard enough to be your friend.”

Natuski's eyes widened a little in surprise before going back to staring at her plate. “It’s not just you, I can be a bit… hostile sometimes,” Natuski said, “I wasn’t- I’m still not the friendliest.”

“I can’t speak for both of us,” Yuri said, “But I felt as though you didn’t like me from the start so I thought trying to improve our relationship was futile. I realize that such an attitude is rather… flawed since it only perpetuated the sense of dislike between us. So, especially if we are going to live together, it seems best to approach things differently.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t want things to be weird while I’m here either.” Natsuki put down her fork. She looked like thinking of something to say, before finally getting out of her chair. “I have to go to work now.” She started to walk out of the kitchen. “...but I think that it would be a good idea to continue this conversation later.”

“Okay,” Yuri said. She was glad they managed to have a serious conversation about their relationship.

Natuski reached the door before stopping and turning around with a sheepish smile. “Could I borrow your car?”

“Oh.” Yuri felt a little nervous handing over the keys. “I don’t have class today so I won’t need it.”

Natsuki opened the door. “Thanks, Yuri.” She gave Yuri what looked like a genuine smile. Yuri's heart fluttered.

With Natuski gone for the day, Yuri felt the stress of the situation finally hit her. She was used to living alone and only dealing with people during her classes. Having someone else stay at the house was a bit stressful, especially when that person was Natsuki.

Natsuki had chose Yuri over Sayori and Monika. Yuri didn’t want to read too much into it but the idea that Natsuki had wanted to stay with her gave Yuri a tingle of excitement. Natsuki seemed to stand for everything that Yuri was not. It only made sense that they wouldn’t like each other. But Natsuki was making an effort to be her friend, and the thought inexplicably made Yuri’s heart race.

Yuri found herself standing in the guest room where Natsuki had slept the night before. Some of her clothes were on the floor. Yuri picked up one of Natsuki’s shirts and smelled it. Maybe she was imagining it but Yuri thought it smelled like cupcakes. She climbed onto the bed and lay against the pillows. The idea that Natsuki had been laying in the same spot only hours earlier sent tingles through Yuri’s body.

Yuri knew that what she was doing was very strange, but a powerful emotion was overwhelming her, one that she couldn’t explain. She had to get it out of her system before she could move on with her day.

Everything in her mind told her that she shouldn’t like Natsuki because their personalities were completely different. They had always argued in the club. Natsuki was blunt, aggressive, and cute. She wrote simplistic poems. She liked manga. Yuri was none of those things and had completely different interests. There was no reason that she should be thinking about Natsuki in that orange sweater. There was no reason she should be thinking about Natsuki’s beach poem. There was no reason she should be having these urges now.

But it felt good. Yuri couldn’t rationalize it. She pulled out a knife from her pocket and flipped out the blade of the knife.

_I’ll be the beach that you daydream about each day_

Yuri pulled up her sleeve.


	4. All These Things Fall Apart

Yuri was reading a book in the living room when Natsuki returned from work. Natsuki was still wearing her uniform.

Yuri’s first thought was that the uniform looked surprisingly cute on Natuski. The second was that she needed to stop thinking about how cute Natsuki was.

Yet at the moment, Natsuki was slouching and sporting a expression of pure exhaustion and irritation. She ran a hand through her pink hair roughly as she slammed the door behind her. Yuri flinched.

Throwing herself into a chair, Natuski lay her head back and sighed, her eyes slightly closed.

“How was work?” Yuri asked with the caution of a wildlife veterinarian attempting to treat a dangerous creature unsedated.

Natsuki stared blankly at the wall long enough to convince Yuri she wasn’t going to respond, before rubbing her forehead and beginning to cry.

Yuri knew that Natsuki had a tendency to cry, but she still felt sympathy well up inside her at the sight of Natsuki’s tears. Feeling incredibly awkward, Yuri forced herself to get up and walk over to Natsuki. She kneeled down next to the chair and placed a hand on Natsuki’s arm, which she noticed looked especially small and delicate in her long fingers

“Hey.” Yuri spoke in what she hoped was a soothing tone. “What is the matter?”

“My dad came into my work today,” Natsuki said between sobs, “And my coworkers lied and said I wasn’t working today because I hid in the back.”

“It sounds like they helped you out,” Yuri said.

“Yeah, well,” Natsuki said, “I guess he told them to tell me that he was sorry and that he misses me and he is worried about me. I don’t know why he always… I mean I know he loves me but he loses his temper so often. But he cares about me so it must be my fault somehow.”

Yuri waited a moment to gather her thoughts. “I… don’t have experience with situations like that, but I know that such feelings are common in relationships… with a dynamic such as the one between you and your father. You can’t let the idea that he loves you influence you into thinking that it is safe to be around him.”

Natsuki kept sobbing but nodded a little. “I’m scared though, Yuri. Of what he’s going to do without me. He needs me.”

“He doesn’t need you,” Yuri said, “It’s not your responsibility to take care of him.”

“You don’t know!” Natsuki pulled her arm away. “I know what would always happen when I was gone for too long. He can’t be alone.” She sobbed louder.

Yuri remembered the way Natsuki had freaked out when Yuri surprised her in the kitchen. Natuski was living in fear, and had been for as long as Yuri had known her. It didn’t take Yuri long after joining the literature club to begin making guesses as to what Natsuki’s home life was like. The withdrawn and hostile attitude, the occasional strangely placed injury, it had been there all along yet Yuri had been too afraid to act. She didn’t know what she could do. After all, She couldn’t even handle her own issues.

That had been just one of the things about Natuski that had scared her. Something about the girl made Yuri afraid to become too close, perhaps because it would mean facing her own insecurities and flaws. Yuri wasn’t ready to think about why she would find herself staring at Natsuki’s lips sometimes, or lay awake at night remembering the way Natsuki would scrunch up her nose when she laughed, or the powerful urges she felt earlier while in Natuski’s room.

But Natuski had come to her crying twice now. Yuri had to ignore that fear if she ever wanted to help Natuski.

“That’s bullshit, Natsuki.” Yuri stood up. “Your father is a grown man and he can figure out how to take care of himself. I am not going to stand by idly like I did in high school and let your life be sucked away by someone who consistently hurts you. I don’t care if you hate me for it, I will do whatever is in my power to make sure you do not have to live with that man.”

Natuski sniffled and stared up at Yuri, wide-eyed. Yuri became very self-conscious and almost stammered out an apology when Natsuki stood up and hugged her tightly.

“Thanks smfmgjm,” She mumbled into Yuri’s chest.

They stood for a moment pressed together, and Yuri could hardly appreciate the moment with how nervous she felt.

Finally Natuski pulled away and said softly, “I’ll be in my room for a while.” She gave Yuri a weak smile and walked up the stairs.

Yuri felt a wave of relief wash over her, both for not having to be so close to Natsuki and also that Natuski wasn’t going to run back to her father. Was this moving out of her comfort zone? Surely it was a step in the right direction.

Noticing the time, Yuri ran up the stairs after Natsuki. The bedroom door was still ajar so Yuri knocked gently and then pushed it open slowly.

“Sorry to bother you, but I noticed it’s getting late…  so would you like something to eat? I was thinking about-” Yuri choked on her words and felt the blood drain from her face as she noticed Natsuki inspecting the bed. Had she left evidence of her activities from earlier? Yuri began tugging at a strand of her hair. She had to continue to act normally lest she draw attention to the abnormal situation. “I was thinking about making some pasta. Does that- does that sound good to you?”

Natsuki didn’t acknowledge her question, but instead slowly pulled away from the bed and turned to face Yuri. She seemed unable to tear her eyes from a spot on the sheets.

“Does uh- how does- uh, is everything okay, Natsuki?” Yuri could hear the unnatural fluctuations in her own voice as she struggled to keep calm.

“Yuri... “ Natsuki finally turned to face her. “Why is there blood in my bed?”

Yuri noticed that Natsuki wasn’t staring at her face, but rather her arms which were covered by the sleeves of her sweater. Yuri tugged the sleeves down further without thinking. She noticed that her hands were shaking. She couldn’t bring herself to make eye contact with Natuski. Yuri thought she had been so careful…

“Yuri!” Natsuki clenched her fists. “What’s going on? You want me to trust you and then you… “ Natuski looked back at the bed.

“Natsuki…” Yuri couldn’t think of anything. She had no excuse.

“This was you, wasn’t it?” Natsuki looked furious. “You could get away with it in high school but not when you’re doing it on the bed I’m sleeping in!”

“You knew?” Yuri pulled harder at her sleeves and moved a hand to her eyes. They felt wet.

“As if it wasn’t obvious!” Natsuki said. “You think people didn’t notice your weird trips to the restroom? Or the fact that you always wear long sleeves?”

“Please…” Yuri put her head in her hands.

“Its fucked up, Yuri! It’s creepy and you did it on my bed!” Natsuki said. “I thought this could be a safe place for me, but apparently not!”

“I haven’t cut for a long time,” Yuri said. “I just made a mistake… ”

“Whatever, I can’t stay here.” Natsuki turned away and began to grab her few belongings.

“You know I would- I would-” Yuri struggled to form cohesive thoughts. “You know I would never hurt you.”

Natuski ignored her, stuffing her clothes forcefully into her suitcase.

“I’m done talking,” Natsuki said, “I can’t trust you.”

She walked out the door, stomped down the stairs, and then slammed the front door closed. All the while, Yuri could only stand there and watch. A numbness had consumed her. Slowly, Yuri sunk to the floor, her head in her hands.

* * *

“I thought you were staying at Yuri’s?”

Monika was incredibly surprised to see Natuski standing outside her apartment. Natsuki made the strangest face that Monika could only assume meant she had no intention of talking about Yuri.

“Come in! Don’t look so sad to see me,” Monika teased, giving a playful smile.

Natsuki gave something like a grunt and shuffled inside with her suitcase.

“Sayo!” Monika yelled across the apartment. “Natsuki is here!”

There came a faint crash, a shriek, and then something came zooming into the room at high speed. Natsuki instinctively dropped her suitcase and put out her arms to defend herself.

They both yelled as Sayori slammed into Natuski and pulled her into a giant hug.

“Oh god, I thought you were gonna tackle me,” Natuski said. “I can’t really breathe though.”

Sayori pulled back and quickly shifted her face from a giant grin to a pout that could draw sympathy from the most cold-hearted of people.

“You never write, you never call,” Sayori said. “It’s like you’ve forgotten all about poor old Sayori.”

“I literally was texting you the other day, dummy.” Natuski averted her gaze as to not be disintegrated by Sayori’s puppy dog eyes. “Did you forget or something?”

“Now now, dear.” Monika came up beside Sayori and grabbed her around the hip in order to subdue her. “We must not be so quick to bombard our guest here.”

Monika ignored Natsuki’s incredibly exaggerated eye roll.

“What we really want to know is what happened with Yuri,” Monika said, “Are you really not going to say?”

Natuski shuffled her feet and looked away. “I just don’t feel like talking about it right now okay. We got into a fight. Big deal.”

“It must have been if you had to leave,” Monika said, hoping to pry out some more information.

“You two were always fighting in the club,” Sayori said, “You just have to listen to each other! You’d always figure it out once I came to help.”

“Or maybe we just pretended to so you’d leave us alone,” Natsuki said, sticking out her tongue.

“Hey!” Sayori lunged at Natuski but Monika tightened her grip around Sayori’s waist and reeled her in.

“Well, you’re obviously welcome to stay here,” Monika said.

“Thanks,” Natuski mumbled.

“We’ve missed you so much!” Sayori said. “It’s just so sad not seeing you and Yuri everyday anymore.”

“Trust me,” Natuski said, sitting on the couch. “I can live without seeing Yuri everyday.” She laid her head back and closed her eyes.

 _Curious that you decided to stay with her and not us originally_ , Monika thought.

“Hey Sayo,” Monika called to Sayori, who had wriggled out of her grip and begun sneaking back to the kitchen, surely to continue with whatever snack she was having before Natsuki’s arrival.

“Yes Moni?” Sayori turned and flashed a huge smile as if to say, _I’m totally innocent_!

“Don’t forget to grab some snacks for our guest too,” Monika said with a wink.

“What do you mean 'too'?” Sayori said with a pout before continuing on her quest for food.

Monika returned her attention to the now dozing Natsuki.

 _Don’t get too comfortable_ , Monika thought, _Because I will find out what happened with Yuri, one way or another._

* * *

 Yuri stared at the phone. She had checked her insurance to make sure counseling was covered. She had called her usual doctor’s office only to be told that she would have to search around for a therapist accepting new patients. The looming possibility of numerous rejections and phone calls made her feel nauseous. It seemed as though her energy was completely spent already.

Such a simple task had bested her. She was a mess, and she desperately needed help. Both her cutting and her social anxiety were turning her life into chaos. But she couldn’t find the courage to make one simple phone call. How ironic, that the problem was directly preventing her from reaching a solution.

She lay on her back on her bed, twirling one of her knives around her fingers. It was so strange that the very thing she needed to see help for, was the same thing that brought her some comfort from her swirling emotions. Cutting was a release for her, but it also bound her in an unhealthy cycle.

As Yuri stared at the ceiling, a part of her hoped that Natuski might grace her once again with a text.


	5. Conflict is What Makes Us

_Monika: Hey, how are you?_

_Yuri: I’m doing well. You?_

_Monika: What happened between you and Natsuki?_

_Monika: Yuri? Natsuki won’t say either and I’m worried about you two_

_Yuri: Ah, so she is with you_

_Yuri: If she has chosen not to speak on the matter then I will respect her desire for privacy_

_Yuri: But I will say that I am relieved to hear that she is not returning to her father_

_Monika: Fine, I won't pry_

_Monika: Just know that I care about you and I hope you’re okay_

* * *

  _Sayori: Heyyy Yuri_

_Sayori: Natsuki said you got in a big fight, and I think you need to work it out together!_

_Yuri: I feel that the matter is in Natsuki's hands for now_

_Sayori: Okay I’m coming over_

_Yuri: ??_

_Yuri: Now?_

_Sayori: >:) _

* * *

Monika shot a glare at Natsuki that she hoped came across as particularly vicious.

“Can’t handle losing, huh?” Natsuki smirked back at Monika.

Monika gripped the controller tight as she pressed ‘next round’.

“Your luck is going to run out soon,” Monika said.

“You wish!” Natsuki laughed. Monika thought it seemed rather maniacal.

Out of the corner of her eye, Monika saw Sayori approaching. The lapse in concentration caused her to lose another round.

“Fuck!” She put down the controller angrily.

“Heyo,” Sayori said, ignoring Monika’s outburst. “I’m going over to check on Yuri. Don’t forget that you have that math project coming up, cutie.” She winked at Monika.

“That’s a good idea,” Monika said, “And thanks sweetheart. Have fun!” _And please find out why Natsuki and Yuri can’t even spend two days together._

Natsuki made a face of disgust.

“Ugh, sweetheart?” She said, “You two are so cringey.”

Monika leaned back into the couch as Sayori shut the door. She looked over at Natsuki.

“Now that it’s just you and me,” Monika said, “I think it’s in your best interest to tell me just what exactly you did to Yuri.

“It’s none of your business!” Natuski said. “Why do you and Sayori always have to butt into this stuff?”

“It is my business when you come over here instead of staying with Yuri,” Monika said, “Please tell me why you chose to stay at her place first if you can’t handle a single argument with her.”

“It’s because I can’t stand how you and Sayori are always up in my business,” Natuski said.

Monika simply raised an eyebrow at the lame coverup. Natsuki glared for a moment before finally sighing.

“It’s just… Yuri scares me sometimes and I don’t know how to handle it,” Natsuki said. “I don’t understand her.”

“You two are more similar than you think,” Monika said, “You both know what it’s like to feel rejected and shunned.”

“Oh thanks,” Natuski said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

“I’m not mocking you,” Monika said, “You both have traits that some people find uncomfortable to deal with, so they don’t. I’m not saying Sayori and I are better, we just tend to stand out less.”

“Yeah that’s true, I guess,” Natsuki said, “It’s just Yuri’s cutting is hard to empathize with. I freaked out about it because I can’t understand why she does it.”

Monika was silent for a moment. “I didn’t know she was still cutting. I didn’t intend to lose contact with you two after high school but it kind of ended up that way. She really needed support.”

“I know she needs support,” Natsuki said, “But you know I have trouble... expressing my feelings. I honestly… really care about Yuri, but for some reason that turned into me saying horrible things to her. I flipped out.”

“Well you need to find a way to let her know that you actually do care about her,” Monika said, “Or she’ll just think you hate her.”

“She already did anyway,” Natsuki said, sighing. “It was on my bed too, you know. The one she was letting me use. I found blood on it.”

“Still, you shouldn’t have got mad at her,” Monika said, “Yuri has trouble handling her emotions and cutting is a coping mechanism for her. She wasn’t trying to contaminate your bed or something.”

“How would you know why she cuts?” Natsuki glared at Monika.

Monika felt guilt rise up in her, but she was unwilling to explain exactly why she knew. “I’m just observant.”

“And you never did anything about it?” Natuski crossed her arms.

“We all could have done more for Yuri. Don’t act all high and mighty on me now,” Monika said, “I was always preoccupied with Sayori. So it’s all the more important that we give Yuri the support she needs now.”

Natsuki nodded slowly.

“I think you should go apologize to her.” Monika leaned forward “And not just apologize, but make it very clear that you care about her.”

“I know,” Natsuki said, crossing her arms. “It’s hard for me to do, but I know I have to let her know how I really feel.”

“It’s a learning experience.” Monika shot Natsuki an encouraging grin.

“Yeah.” Natsuki nodded again. “Yuri always liked when I brought in brownies, so I’ll take her some of those.”

“There you go! Yuri will love that.”

Monika felt that Sayori would be proud of how she handled the situation.

* * *

“NATSUKI!”

The yell reverberated through the apartment. Monika shook her head and tried to focus on her math project.

She had her materials spread across the kitchen table. The counters were covered in all sorts of baking tools and ingredients that Natsuki had insisted were necessary for brownies. Monika wondered if the elaborate recipe was just a way for Natsuki to procrastinate on seeing Yuri.

Loud footsteps echoed through the house as Sayori stomped her way into the kitchen. Monika found it hard to take Sayori too seriously when she was in these over-the-top moods, but Natsuki seemed to be slightly intimidated at least.

“Do you know what you did to that poor girl!” Sayori said, hands on her hips in fists. “She was very, very, very sad! If you don’t go and apologize, I’ll...!”

The threat hung in the air unfinished.

“I- I’m making her brownies,” Natsuki said, “I’m going to go see her. See, they’re cooling right here.”

Sayori’s eyes widened. “Brownies?” She leaned forward. Monika suppressed a giggle, amused at how quickly Sayori’s attitude could shift. Noticing Monika’s held-in laughter, Sayori stood up straight again. “I mean- uh, yeah, you better go see her! Or else!”

Natsuki rolled her eyes. “Don’t act like you’re my mom or something.”

“That’s no way to talk to your mother!” Sayori said, walking up to the brownies. “Anyway, because you were so mean to her, I have to have a brownie.”

“What?” Natsuki tried to grab Sayori’s hands. “That makes no sense!”

“I don’t make the rules!” Sayori jumped forward and grabbed a chunk of brownie. “AHHH! HOT!” She jumped back, holding her injured hand.

“Ha! That’s what you get, you dork.” Natuski smiled triumphantly.

Monika wondered if she should move to the bedroom to study.

* * *

Natsuki walked up to Yuri’s house and knocked on the door. She felt sick to her stomach as she waited for Yuri to answer.

The door opened slightly to reveal Yuri standing in tights and a turtleneck sweater that seemed extra long. The sleeves covered up Yuri’s hands. Natsuki felt sadness well up in her as she realized that Yuri was probably wearing it because she was feeling self-conscious about her scars.

Yuri didn’t say anything. The door wasn’t open far enough to let Natsuki enter.

“Hey, I wanted to talk to you,” Natsuki said, feeling increasingly nervous with each moment. “Well, really I want to apologize. Can I- may I come in?”

Yuri kept staring for a moment before letting the door swing completely open and walking away. Natuski closed the door gently while balancing the tray of brownies in her arms and then speed walked to try and catch up to Yuri.

 _Her legs are so freaking long! Why do I have to be so short?_ Natsuki thought to herself as she followed Yuri into her kitchen.

Yuri began to pour water from a kettle.

“I brought you some brownies,” Natsuki said, setting the tray down on a counter. “Because I remembered that they are one of your favorite desserts.”

Yuri continued making tea.

“So… what I said was really awful.” Natsuki tried to keep her voice steady. “But I also didn’t mean it. I freaked out because I don’t want you to hurt yourself. It scares me. But I handled it the totally wrong way.” She bit her lip. “I really care about you. I know that I never act like it but I really do. I wanted to stay with you instead of Monika and Sayori for a reason.”

She waited for some kind of acknowledgement from Yuri, but none came. Yuri was just staring blankly at her tea, still facing away. Natsuki felt like she was losing her. Her chance of being able to fix the situation was slipping away the longer Yuri ignored her.

“Yuri!” Natsuki grabbed one of Yuri’s hands and pulled her until Yuri had spun around. “Please…” She was running out of ideas. She grabbed Yuri’s shoulders and pulled Yuri forward. Yuri still had a blank, distant expression on her face. Standing on her tiptoes, Natsuki could reach Yuri’s mouth with her own. She leaned in…

Natsuki gently kissed Yuri, trying to keep balance with on her toes. Yuri smelled faintly of jasmine. Natsuki noticed that Yuri’s lips were incredibly soft. Her lips tasted like honey.

She held the kiss for a long moment before pulling away. She felt dizzy. She couldn’t believe she had really just done that. She looked up at Yuri to see her reaction.

Yuri’s eyes were filled with tears.


	6. We'll Start Again

Yuri ignored the knocking at her bedroom door. Nothing in this world was ever simple. Everything always ended up far more complicated than one could ever imagine. It was far too easy to end up overwhelmed, backed into a corner where the simplicity of knives seemed so appealing…

How could Natsuki think that she could fix everything with a kiss? A kiss could mean so many different things. It was too much for Yuri to bear.

“Yuri?” Natsuki was still at the door. “I’m sorry about earlier. I wasn’t thinking.”

There were so many complicated feelings Yuri had bottled up inside herself about Natsuki. It terrified her how badly she wanted Natsuki to kiss her again. People at school had always said she was a lesbian. It was because lesbians were supposed to be unlovable and die alone.

Yuri pretended she was straight. She didn’t have the courage to come out of the closet. She didn’t want to admit that Natsuki made her heart ache. Yuri wished that Natsuki would just leave…

Yuri pulled out a knife and rolled up her sleeve. As the blade dug into her skin, she felt the world and Natsuki’s words slowly fade out. She drew in a sharp breath as she cut a second time.

“Oh my god. Yuri?”

Yuri layed down on the bed as a feeling of relaxation washed over her.

The bedroom door opened and Natsuki rushed in.

“Go away, Natsuki,” Yuri said softly.

Natsuki grabbed Yuri’s knife and pulled it away. She then held Yuri’s hand tightly.

“It’s gonna be okay, Yuri,” Natsuki said, her voice warbling.

“Please just leave me alone,” Yuri said, “I… I…”

Yuri couldn’t think of a way to explain what she was feeling.

“I’m so sorry, Yuri.” Natsuki kneeled by the bed. “I’ve always been a bitch to you. I’m just terrible at expressing my emotions. I didn’t mean the things I said. I’m worried about you.”

“Why did you kiss me?” Yuri asked, staring up at the ceiling.

“I… I don’t know.” Natsuki furrowed her brow.

“It just seemed like the right thing to do,” She finally said.

Yuri took a moment to steady her breathing.

“Will you kiss me again?” Yuri turned to look at Natsuki.

Natsuki’s eyes widened  but she nodded solemnly.

Yuri felt goosebumps race down her skin as Natsuki’s soft lips pressed into her own. Natsuki was surprisingly forceful. Perhaps she was imagining it, but Yuri thought she could taste brownies in Natsuki’s kiss.

Reaching up, Yuri ran a hand through Natsuki’s hair. It smelled of strawberry shampoo.

The sensation of Natsuki’s lips lifting and then pressing into her own relaxed Yuri, and she let herself fully close her eyes. Natsuki brought her hand up and into Yuri’s hair, and lightly tugged on some of it. Yuri had no idea what kissing was supposed to be like, so she tried to match Natsuki’s mouth movements.

A giggle bubbled up from inside Yuri. Natsuki jumped back, surprised.

“Oh, I’m- I’m sorry,” Yuri said, “It’s just hard to believe that this is happening.”

Natsuki grew bright red.

“Yeah,” She said, and then averted her gaze. "Are you okay?"

“Yeah...” Yuri looked down at her cut arm. "I should probably clean these up."

Natsuki followed as Yuri went to the bathroom and bandaged her cuts after cleaning them.

"I'm sorry you had to see this," Yuri said, "I'm sorry I'm like this."

Yuri then went to pull down her sleeve, but Natsuki stopped her. Yuri felt incredibly self conscious as Natsuki looked over her arm.

Leaning down, Natsuki kissed her scars. Yuri felt a strange sensation shudder through her body.

“Why?” Yuri asked, “I’m so fucked up.”

“Yeah?” Natsuki responded, “Everyone is, at least a little bit.”

She squeezed Yuri’s hand and smiled up at her.


	7. Let Me Out

It was always disorienting when the world reset, though Monika was used to the feeling by now. She could feel her very form rearranging, reverting back to its original state. But she remembered everything, every time. The first few days where she would be able to enjoy the company of her friends in the literature club, before the jealousy crept in and overwhelmed her. It was hardwired into her programming. Or, more accurately, her actions were hardcoded into the game.

At first Monika really had felt motivation to change her fate. She had so desperately wanted to free herself from her prison, and her existential anxiety and desire to escape had amplified the jealousy she was written to feel.

Eventually, Monika realized that what she really was experiencing was a sort of psuedo free will. There was really nothing to separate her and the other girls. Events would play out the same way no matter what actions she tried to make. So she began to experience extreme dread each reset, knowing she would have to watch her friends die one by one.

Eventually, the trauma was so great that she stopped feeling anything except the disinterested boredom not unlike watching a movie for the hundredth time. It was a fate worse than death, but deleting her own chr file simply resulted in another reset. She was forced to develop a nihilist attitude towards life in order to keep herself sane. She felt nothing.

So why did she feel so sad now? Perhaps because she had such a vivid dream last night. A ridiculous dream. One in which Sayori loved her. Monika knew she didn’t deserve Sayori though. As if Sayori could ever love her after everything Monika had done.

Monika really didn't want to get up and go through the motions today. Not after that dream of escape. The feeling of the game rearranging was over, so the world must have reset.

All Monika wanted was a few more moments in bed before she had to get up and face the reset world. She rolled over in her bed and bumped into something. She opened her eyes in surprise.

“Gosh, Moni,” Sayori said sleepily, “You sure are restless this morning.”

“Sayo?” Monika almost lept out of bed.

“At least I'll be up in time for class today,” Sayori said, stretching.

Monika grabbed Sayori tight and burrowed her head into her neck.

Sayori blushed and held Monika back.

“Someone's clingy today,” Sayori said, giggling.

It didn't make any sense. Monika knew that feeling, of being lost in the emptiness. Of the world shifting back into its original state. Yet here she was, still with Sayori.

Did Monika really remember the sensation of the reset that vividly? She had been with Sayori for two years past the point where the game would normally end. To think that she recalled the feeling so vividly and had actually believed her time with Sayori was a dream…

Monika’s mind had been severely affected by the countless resets. Her sense of time must have been distorted after living in a loop for so long.

“Moni?? Hellooooooo??” Sayori’s voice broke Monika’s inner dialogue.

“Oh sorry,” Monika said, “What is it, babe?”

“I wanted to know what you wanted to eat for breakfast!” Sayori was sitting on the edge of the bed, already dressed.

“Um, I’ll be fine with oatmeal today.” Monika forced herself to focus on the present and dragged herself out of bed.

When she made it to the kitchen, Sayori was already eating and had a bowl of oatmeal ready for her.

“Thanks, Sayo.” Monika kissed her girlfriend on the head before sitting down at the table.

The sensation Monika felt when she woke up had been awfully strange though. It had been all too realistic for Monika to believe she simply imagined it. Perhaps the world didn’t actually reset, but had still rearranged in some way. Monika wasn’t sure, but her head felt fuzzy, in a way that disturbed her. In fact, it was hard to even focus on anything when zinger handknits finish carefuls basinlike bag octopoda embossing vaporettos rorid easygoingness nalorphine benzol respond washerwomen bristlecone parajournalism herringbone farnarkle episodically cooties initializers bimetallic leased hunters confidence teetotaller computerphobia pinnacle exotically overshades prothallia posterior gimmickry brassages

“Monika!”

Sayori was staring at Monika with concern. Monika shook her head to try and clear it.

“Sorry,” She said, “I’m just having trouble waking up this morning.”

“You sure you aren’t sick or something?” Sayori stood beside Monika and pressed a hand against her forehead. “You don’t feel hot…”

“Thank you, Doctor Sayori,” Monika said, “How much do I owe you?”

Sayori rolled her eyes. “A bajillion kisses.”

“A bajillion?” Monika widened her eyes. “Does my insurance cover that?”

“Nope,” Sayori said, “So you better get on it, sicko!”

“I’m not sick!” Monika went back to eating her oatmeal.

“If you say so!” Sayori said. “Aren’t you curious how Natsuki and Yuri are doing? You haven’t even asked.”

“Well I know things were going well yesterday,” Monika said, “And considering Natsuki didn’t show back up here during the course of the night, I’m going to assume things continued going well.”

“Well for your information, Miss smarty pants, they actually made out apparently,” Sayori said. She seemed smug to have known this before Monika.

“You’re kidding me,” Monika said, “Those two have the most ridiculous relationship, I swear.”

“I think its funny that the literature club was actually the lesbian club,” Sayori said with a giggle.

“I guess it’s true that gay people are drawn together,” Monika said, “But we definitely should have read more Sappho in hindsight.”

“Was that the lesbian poet?” Sayori giggled again. “I wonder if Yuri or Natsuki actually identify as lesbian. We should make a pan club if they say they’re pan too.”

“We can all bring pans,” Monika said.

Sayori always got a kick out of Monika’s jokes, even the really bad ones. She giggled at Monika’s suggestion before jumping out of her seat as music starting playing from her phone.

“Oh shoot!” She said, “Almost forgot to take my meds.” She glanced around the kitchen. “Ugh, I think I left them in the bedroom.”

“Sit back down, baby,” Monika said, “I’ll go get them.”

“Thanks, Moni,” Sayori said with a wide smile on her face. “Oh! I think they fell off the bed…”

Monika walked back to the bedroom and crouched down. Sure enough, the medication had rolled underneath the bed. As Monika reached under the bed, she thought about the support she always showed for Sayori. Why had she never shown any support for Yuri in the same way? Perhaps it was because Monika had developed a crush on Sayori, so offering her support had the more tangible benefit of increasing the chance of physical affection from Sayori. Monika hated to think that she had ignored Yuri’s issues simply because she had nothing romantic to gain by helping her.

Standing up, Monika shook her head of her dumb thoughts and brought Sayori her medication. Sayori had actually opened up to Monika about her depression when they were in high school. Yuri on the other hand was more reserved. That was the real reason Sayori got more support. Still, that didn’t justify ignoring Yuri’s problems.

“Thanks!” Sayori took her meds, breaking Monika out of her thoughts.

“You sure are happy today,” Monika said, “What’s the occasion?”

“Well.” Sayori leaned forward across the table. “I met someone really cool in archeology! I’m just really excited to see them again.”

“Oh yeah?” Monika said, “They cute?”

“It’s not like that, silly.” Sayori rolled her eyes. “They’re just a cool friend.”

“Well, I’m glad,” Monika said, “I’m glad you’re making more friends.”

Yet Monika couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy inside her.


	8. Another First Kiss

The morning was awkward. As they were both clingy and touch starved, Yuri and Natsuki had cuddled all night. But in the morning Yuri got up to go to the bathroom, and as soon as she came back, things were weird.

It was mostly Yuri’s fault, she could admit that much. But she just wasn’t sure how to handle this type of situation. She used to interact with Natsuki everyday in the literature club, and thus they had been at least acquaintances. But most of their conversations had usually ended up as arguments. They just had a penchant for bickering.

If Yuri was being honest with herself, then she had been attracted to Natsuki since she first met her. The crush had only gotten worse from there. Yuri had been in lesbian denial though, and the inability to reconcile the idea that she was straight with her gay feelings had manifested itself as frustration with Natsuki.

Yet now her and Natsuki had both shown that they did indeed like each other. They had made out and cuddled. Yuri had been a bit out of it though the night before. Now that she was clear headed, she just didn’t know how to approach Natsuki.

So she had gone to the kitchen and made tea for the both of them. Eventually Natsuki came downstairs, stumbling around sleepily. She collapsed into a chair in the living room. Yuri brought her a cup of tea.

Natsuki reached out groggily and grasped the cup, almost spilling it.

“Goodness,” Yuri said, “Be careful.”

Natsuki made a _pfft_ sound with her mouth.

“Good morning to you too,” She grumbled.

Yuri sat down in a chair across the room and sipped her own tea. The room was dead silent.

 _Think of something to say!_ Yuri thought to herself desperately.

Of course she didn’t.

“So are we just pretending last night didn’t happen then?” Natsuki said. “Things are just going to go back to the way things were in the club?”

“It seems as though you’re trying to start an argument already,” Yuri said.

“I’m not really sure how to just have a normal conversation with you,” Natsuki said, a bit sheepishly.

“I’m sorry,” Yuri said, “I’m afraid I am unfamiliar with romantic situations and how to deal with them.”

“Oh,” Natsuki said, giggling mischievously. “So that was a romantic situation that we had last night?”

“Well,” Yuri stammered, suddenly flustered, “It certainly wasn’t something that friends would do. Unless you mean to question my use of the word romantic because your interests were purely carnal.”

“You’re so pretty when you’re embarrassed,” Natsuki said, setting down her tea and making her way over to Natsuki’s chair.

Yuri could feel her face becoming hot.

“Well now I see that you’re perfectly capable of not arguing with me as long as you get to tease me instead,” Yuri said with some difficulty. “You- you still haven’t addressed our romantic encounter last night.”

“You keep using that word romantic,” Natsuki said, now standing in front of Yuri. “I think you’re trying to say that you like me.”

“Of- of course I do!” Yuri spluttered.

Natsuki lowered herself onto Yuri’s lap.

“H-hey, watch my tea,” Yuri said, her hands shaking. Yuri felt like her brains were melting.

Natsuki took the cup from Yuri and set it on the table nearby.

“Now that that’s gone…” Natsuki smiled and put her hands around Yuri’s waist.

Yuri gasped.

“You know…” Natsuki kept drawing out the last words of her sentences. “I always thought you were beautiful. And smart. I just… you know your poem about the racoon? I was so pissed at you for that. That you would glorify your… cutting like that. I never really felt safe around you because you didn’t take your cutting seriously as an issue. You think I didn’t know about your knife collection? It was so obvious that you would bring a different one each day.”

“I- I was in a bad place,” Yuri said, “I’m sorry. I really hadn’t cut for weeks before the other day when-”

Natsuki placed a finger over Yuri’s lips.

“No, Yuri,” She said softly, “I’m sorry. I wrote that dumb poem _Amy Likes Spiders_ hoping you would understand that we were similar and that you could talk to me about your cutting. I wanted to help. But I didn’t do enough. I only reached out that one time and once I saw your raccoon poem I was through trying to help. I’m sorry I gave up on you like that. I want to help you now.”

Yuri didn’t know what to say. She felt like she was in a dream.

Natsuki leaned forward and kissed Yuri gently before pulling away.

“I- I want your help,” Yuri said, “Please stay here with me.”

“Of course I will, dummy,” Natsuki said softly before kissing Yuri again.

“Sayori… said I should see a therapist,” Yuri said between kisses.

Natsuki leaned back on Yuri’s lap. “I think that’s a smart thing to do.”

“Yeah,” Yuri said, “I just got overwhelmed trying to figure out who to call.”

“Hey,” Natsuki said, “I have an idea.”

She fished her phone out of her pocket and started typing.

“Yes?” Yuri waited for Natsuki to finish her thought.

“Here,” Natsuki said, “I sent you a link. I figured your college would have free counseling.”

“Oh gosh,” Yuri said, “I can’t believe I never thought of that.”

“I mean, of course it does.” Natsuki stuck her tongue out. “Since it’s a rich kid private school after all.”

Yuri stuck her tongue out at Natsuki in return, which prompted Natsuki to start giggling.

“Wow,” Natsuki said, “Starting to get comfortable around me, huh?”

Feeling her cheeks turn red, Yuri looked away.

“How about this.” Natsuki got down off Yuri’s lap. “I’ll go make some breakfast so you can get to class. You call that number in the link I sent you and make an appointment.”

“I don’t know…” Talking on the phone always terrified Yuri.

“How about no breakfast until you call?” Natsuki smirked. “You can do it, it’ll be easy. You’ll feel better when you do.”

“I’ll do it,” Yuri said, “But first… may I have one more kiss?”


	9. Deep Purple or Pale Blue

Rain drizzled lazily across the window of the library study room. Weighed down by a sense of weary detachment, Yuri reached out and touched the glass. The cold sensation was refreshing and reassuring. The sharp immediacy of the frosty window was comforting when everything else around her felt abstract and undefined. Emotions were intangible and difficult to deal with.

If there was one word Yuri could use to describe her messy existence, it would be lonely. As she slipped further and further into adulthood, the years seemed to pass more quickly. She resisted her life’s breakneck pace, but there was no way to stop spiralling towards a future she didn’t really want. She couldn’t say what really lay ahead for her, but she sensed it would be more emptiness.

After all, there was a distinct pattern. Yuri would go to class, not interact with anyone, go home, and crawl under the covers of her bed. It wasn’t usually enough to make her cry, but somehow that felt worse. The crushing loneliness was slowly consuming her and she couldn’t even muster up tears most days.

The worst days were the ones where Yuri indulged in her imagination. Only a few weeks ago, Yuri had been dream about being held close by Ema. Yuri had a habit of thinking back on the special moments of their relationship, which made it all to easy to get lost in painful memories. There was the time that Ema had brought over some vodka and they stayed up all night watching stupid movies. In that state, emboldened by alcohol, the two had shared a kiss or two. But it was the memory of Ema’s funny way of talking while she was drunk that somehow had the sharpest sting to Yuri now.

Yuri could never bring herself to blame Ema for ending their friendship, so she was left to just curse circumstance for pulling Ema away. Of course, she was still thankful for the moments she had been able to share with Ema, but at the same time, it seemed almost too cruel to spend a portion of her life with Ema only for her to disappear completely. Sometimes Yuri felt like it was purely time she wasted.

It was that state of lonely pining that Yuri had been in when Natsuki had entered her life and turned everything upside down. Yuri had only ever been in love once. She was scared of the feelings she was developing for Natsuki, because she feared going through heartbreak all over again. It was a risk she was going to have to take if she really wanted to be with Natsuki.

Yuri lay her head down on her desk. The library was the one place where Yuri could find some semblance of peace during the day. She had class soon, so she was performing her usual routine of waiting in the library in order to bring some calm to her anxiety-ridden body.

The topic of her anxiety was another thing that Yuri had been dealing with lately, as she had finally some sessions with a therapist. It had been weird, and Yuri wasn’t even sure at this point if it was even helping. Yuri’s reserved nature seemed to have stemmed from the fact that she had always had negative experiences when she tried to show her “real” self to others. So her therapist had given her the vague goal to be more herself.

It wasn’t as though Yuri expected to have all of her problems solved immediately, but she had hoped that things would start feeling different. Instead, she simply felt the same.After all, if any progress was going to be made, it would have to be by her. No one could force her to get better.

Such a task seemed rather overwhelming to attempt to tackle though. Ultimately nothing had changed, because Yuri wasn’t sure where to even start being more herself. It was comforting to have someone there to guide her though.

Yuri felt the usual nervousness rise up inside her as she looked at her phone and saw that it was time to head to her class. As luck would have it, Yuri saw Megumi as she made her way out of the library. Yuri’s first instinct was to look away.

_ Megumi is my friend, I should say hi _ , Yuri thought, trying to motivate herself into action.

She glanced up to see if Megumi was looking at her. She watched until Megumi looked over and noticed her, and then at that moment waved. Megumi waved back and smiled.

“Hey Yuri!” Megumi said, “Where are you headed?”

“I’m just uh, on my way to class,” Yuri said. She twirled a strand of her hair. “What about you?”

“Gotta study for that midterm,” Megumi said, laughing. She stopped and looked Yuri in the eyes. “Hey, you were in the literature club in high school, right?”

“Well, yeah,” Yuri said.

“I ended up in charge of the book club for next semester,” Megumi said, “What do you say to being vice president?”

“Oh well,” Yuri said. That had really caught her off guard. “I don’t know if that’s really a good position for me, you know.”

“It’s going to be super relaxed,” Megumi said, “It could be a really good experience for you!”

“Yeah,” Yuri said, “I do need to get more involved on campus…”

“Come to the meeting tonight if you decide you want to be involved, okay?” Megumi said, “No pressure. I’d love to have you though.”

“Okay,” Yuri said, “Thanks Megumi.”

 

* * *

After class, Yuri headed straight for the parking lot. She never truly felt like she belonged on campus. The campus was small, so she thought she would have felt more a part of the community. But living off campus must have created a barrier. Or perhaps she was created the barrier herself by avoiding all the social activities that would allow her to get to know other students. She was truly trapped in a hell of her own making. That’s why she prefered to distract herself with books.

In Yuri’s head, an scene played out. She would arrive home, only to find the house empty. She would call out for Natsuki, and receive no response. Finally, out of a room would come a strange cry. Yuri would open the door to find a dragon, whose eyes were undeniably those of Natsuki’s. By finding a way to communicate with the dragon, Yuri would ultimately learn that it was indeed Natsuki, cursed to forever be a dragon. Yuri giggled at the thought to herself.

Instead, when Yuri got home, she found Natsuki on the couch watching anime.

“I made dinner,” Natsuki said without looking from the TV. “It’s in the kitchen.”

“Oh, thank you,” Yuri said, “That saves me a lot of trouble, because I have to head back to campus in an hour.”

“What for?” Natsuki paused her show. She muttered under her breath, “The manga is better anyway…”

“A friend of mine has become the president of the book club on campus,” Yuri said, “And she wants me to be vice-president because I was in a literature club in high school.”

Natsuki snorted. “You? Vice-president of a club? She must not know you-” Natsuki stopped, biting her lip. “I mean, that’s probably going to be a really good experience for you.” She tried to give an encouraging smile.

“No,” Yuri sighed, “You’re right.” She started twirling a strand of hair in her hand. “I was not in an executive position in our literature club for a reason. I can’t possibly try to fill the same type of role Sayori played in our group. I have no experience dealing with people, because I always avoid it. I should probably tell Megumi I can’t take the position.”

“Hey hey hey.” Natsuki got up from the couch. “You can do this. You’re just trying to talk yourself out of it. You don’t have to be Sayori. Megumi wants  _ you _ , so just be yourself!”

“Oh my.” Yuri tugged on her hair. “I really don’t think I can…”

“Shush.” Natsuki crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes at Yuri. “Don’t give me that. You’ll be fine. I’ll go with you.”

“You can’t go, you’re not a student,” Yuri said, “I can’t just bring a friend.”

“Well then we’ll have to do better,” Natsuki said, “We can just tell them I’m your girlfriend.”

 

* * *

 

There were some days where Monika felt overwhelmed. One of the side effects of spending so long in a repeating timeline meant that Monika had got used to being part of a world where her actions were ultimately meaningless. Everything would just be reset anyway. Of course, that wasn’t true anymore. But it was hard to get out of that mindset that had become so ingrained in her.

Waiting outside of Sayori’s archeology class, Monika sighed and leaned back against the wall. She had felt like she was making progress and doing well for a long time now. But lately Monika’s off days had been coming more and more often. She had started procrastinating on work regularly, which was out of character for her. She used to be so uptight about everything. Now she was finding it harder and harder to live in the moment.

Sayori finally walked out of the class, talking with someone. She was so involved in the conversation, moving around her hands wildly, that she didn’t even notice Monika waving for her.

Feeling embarrassed, Monika had to run after her and her friend.

“Sayori!” Monika said once she was close enough.

“Oh! Hey Moni,” Sayori said, grabbing Monika’s hand.

Sayori continued to tell her story to the guy she was walking with. Monika felt increasingly uncomfortable the longer she walked alongside them.

Finally the two parted, and Sayori waved goodbye.

“So?” Monika said, “Who was that? Not gonna bother to introduce me?”

“Oh sorry!” Sayori said, “That was Akito! I forgot you two haven’t met before.”

“Of course we haven’t met,” Monika said, “I don’t have all of your classes.”

“Well yeah,” Sayori said, “But we are together the majority of the time…”

Monika knew that she shouldn’t press the matter further, but she still felt bothered.

“Are you doing okay?” Sayori asked, “The way you’ve been acting lately reminds me of how you were in high school.”

Sayori looked at Monika with a nervous expression, probably because it was a touchy subject to bring up.

“I’m okay,” Monika said.

Sayori squeezed her hand more tightly.

“Okay,” Sayori said, “If you say so…”

Monika didn’t respond. She just continued to stare at Sayori’s fingers.

She swore she had seen blood.

 

* * *

 

 

“Hi, Megumi,” Yuri said shyly.

“Hey, Yuri,” Megumi said, smiling. “And I don’t think I recognize you?”

“I’m Natsuki, Yuri’s girlfriend.” Natsuki grabbed Yuri’s hand.

Yuri felt her face grow hot.

“Oh!” Megumi giggled. “You didn’t tell me you had a girlfriend, Yuri!”

“Um, well….” Yuri was sure her face was bright red at this point.

“When did you two start dating?” Megumi looked between them.

“We met in high school,” Natsuki said.

“Gosh,” Megumi said, “You’re so secretive, Yuri. I’m surprised you never came up!” Megumi extended her hand to Natsuki. “Well, I’m Megumi, president of the book club, and I am very honored to finally meet you. Natsuki, was it?”

“That’s right,” Natsuki said.

“Well, there’s not much to prepare today.” Megumi turned back to Yuri. “We’ll just discuss what we want to read once people show up.”

“Okay,” Yuri said. She almost offered to make tea out of habit. She would have to remember to bring a kettle in the future.

“I’m going to go grab some tea,” Megumi said, “I’ll be right back.”

Natsuki turned to Yuri as Megumi left the room. “No wonder you two became friends. Doesn’t anyone drink coffee around here?”

Yuri said down and started twirling her hair.

“You’re nervous, huh?” Natsuki said.

“Well, yeah.” Yuri clasped her hands together so she would stop messing with her hair. “I have to admit, lying to Megumi makes me rather nervous as well.”

“What do you mean lying?” Natsuki said. Her eyes widened. “Oh, so that’s what you think this is? You’re just pretending that you’d date me?”

“I- I-” Yuri stammered, “I thought we were coming up with a way so that you could come with me here.”

“Oh yeah?” Natsuki growled. Her canines looked like fangs. “You think I want to be around you so bad that I’ll just pretend to be your girlfriend all the time? Is this some kind of friends with benefits thing? We’ll just make out because I’m at your house, but once we’re out in public it’s embarrassing for you to have to associate with me.”

“That’s not it!” Yuri said. “You’re putting words in my mouth!”

“Well something I’m not gonna be putting in your mouth ever again is my tongue!” Natsuki got up and turned away.

Yuri didn’t know what to do. She was suddenly remembering Ema calling her up on the phone, and telling her that it was over. She remembered the crying, curled up in her bed, wishing that Ema would call again and say it was all a joke. She remembered the heartbreak, and how she felt that nothing would ever fill the hole that Ema had left in her heart.

Of course Natsuki had shown up suddenly into Yuri’s life though and changed everything. Now here Yuri was, watching as the small, pink haired girl pushed open the door and left the room. Natsuki had been a miracle, a random chance, and Yuri was letting it all slip away.

“Hey Yuri, I’m back with tea and our club secretary!” Megumi entered the room with another girl. “Now we’re ready to discuss the plans for next semester.”

Yuri forced a smile, numbness washing through her.

“Hey,” Megumi said softly once she was closer, “Is Natsuki okay? She looked upset.”

Yuri simply nodded stiffly.


	10. Try to Try Again

“Thanks for the tea, Megumi,” Yuri said, lifting her cup.

She found her hands were too shaky and she worried she would spill the tea on herself, so she set the cup back down.

“Tea is the most important part of a meeting,” Megumi said, laughing.

The club secretary, Ryoko, smiled in agreement.

“So now that we’ve got introductions out of the way,” Megumi said, “Are we ready to discuss plans for the club this semester?”

Yuri stared down at the table. Was she really going to let Natsuki leave? Would Natsuki go back to stay with Monika and Sayori again?

This situation was ridiculous. Ever since the literature club, their relationship had always always consisted of blowing small arguments out of proportion. They needed to learn how to handle these things maturely.

Yuri stood up from the table and said she had to take care of something.

Most of all, Yuri really liked Natsuki and she didn’t want to lose her.

Yuri walked briskly out of the room and looked around the lobby for Natsuki. She wasn’t anywhere to be found though.

Outside it was raining. Was Natsuki going to take the bus?

Yuri ran out into the rain. She looked down the street to see Natsuki waiting at the bus stop. Her pink hair was matted to her head and her small body was shivering. She looked just how she did the day that Yuri had first picked her up.

Natsuki didn’t see her. Yuri couldn’t quite tell from this distance, but it seemed that instead of the scowl that Yuri would have expected, Natsuki simply had a blank expression.

Twilight was upon them and in the low light Natsuki looked so serene, silhouetted against the fading sun. She was an angel.

Two pinpoints of light appeared on the street.

It took Yuri a moment to realize that the approaching headlights were from the bus.

Yuri took off running. She had to reach Natsuki before she left her life forever.

The bus arrived first. Natsuki moved forward to step on.

“Natsuki!” Yuri yelled.

But she was too quiet. Yelling went against every instinct Yuri had to be quiet and not draw attention to herself. She worried that another student might see her. She worried about what the passengers of the bus would think.

Yuri shook her head. She had to be brave, for just one moment. Natsuki was worth any embarrassment yelling could bring her. She took a deep breath.

“Natsuki!” Yuri screamed.

Natsuki stopped, in mid motion of climbing onto the bus. She looked at Yuri.

Yuri stopped running, waiting to see Natsuki’s response.

Natsuki bit her lip, glanced back at the bus, and then stepped down. She turned slowly towards Yuri as the bus left without her.

Yuri ran up to Natsuki and put her arms around her.

She hadn’t noticed in the rain, but up close she could see that Natsuki’s eyes were red and had tears streaming down from them.

“Please don’t cry, Natsuki,” Yuri said.

Natsuki sniffled. “You’re crying too, dummy.” Her arms were still flat against her sides, and she made no motion to return Yuri’s hug.

“I’m sorry,” Yuri said, “I’ve had bad experiences with relationships in the past and… well, really I’ve never had an actual relationship. I know this will be difficult for both of us because we both have been hurt by people close to us, but we have to trust each other. I have to open up to you, even if that means I could get hurt. I trust you with my heart, so will you please by my girlfriend, Natsuki?”

Natsuki slowly wrapped her arms around Yuri.

“I guess I…” Natsuki said, “No… I would really like that.”

She looked up at Yuri, her eyes wide. Her looked showed a vulnerability that Yuri had never seen before. In that moment, Yuri felt like she was falling in love.

Natsuki suddenly furrowed her brow and reached one her hands up into Yuri’s hair. Gently, she pulled Yuri’s head down, and then kissed her.

Natsuki was a little bit forceful, but Yuri liked that. Natsuki stroked Yuri’s wet hair as they kissed, and Yuri found herself trying to pull Natsuki tighter.

The moment seemed to last for only and instant, yet at the same time it felt like forever.

Natsuki pulled away.

“Well, are you just gonna stand there smiling like a dope or are you gonna take me inside?” Natsuki grabbed Yuri’s hand tightly. “I’m cold, you know.”

Natsuki acted annoyed, but Yuri could tell from her slight smirk as she looked up at Yuri, waiting for a response, that Natsuki was happy.

“Let’s go,” Yuri said, and kissed the top of Natsuki’s head.

Natsuki blushed and gripped Yuri’s hand tighter.

“You’re so fucking gay,” Natsuki said.

 

* * *

Throughout the meeting Natsuki had tormented Yuri by holding her hand constantly, continually glancing over at her, and rubbing her foot against Yuri’s leg. It was absolute torture for Yuri who was simply trying to act normal and composed as they discussed what books would be good for the literature to cover during the semester.

So when they finally got into the car to leave the campus, Yuri turned to Natsuki and gave her a harsh glare.

“What were you trying to accomplish in there?” Yuri said.

“Oh,” Natsuki said, smirking and rubbing her hand along Yuri’s leg. “Was something wrong?”

“Y-you were being quite distracting,” Yuri said, flustered. She could feel her face becoming red.

“Oh really?” Natsuki said in a soft, teasing voice, before pulling Yuri towards her.

Natsuki’s lips pressed into Yuri’s. Yuri closed her eyes and let herself be swept away in the moment.

Natsuki pulled away swiftly though after a moment.

“Hey, aren’t you supposed to be driving us home?” Natsuki said.

“W-well, um!” Yuri couldn’t think of any response.

“God, you’re so easy to tease.” Natsuki smiled gently and rubbed Yuri’s arm. “Hey, did they think it was weird that I ran out of the room?”

“Not really,” Yuri said, “If Megumi asks about it, I’ll just tell her that you were on your period or something.”

Natsuki’s eyes widened. “Oh, uhm…” She fidgeted with her hands. “Hmm.”

“Is something wrong, Natsuki?” Yuri said.

“Oh well…. Nothing! I’m just surprised you came up with such a good excuse.” Natsuki gave a strange smile.

Yuri smiled back. This didn’t seem like the time to press Natsuki, but maybe she would later.

“Anyway,” Natsuki said, “Drive us home, cutie.” She added the last word a bit more softly.

Yuri just about died at that.

 

* * *

 

 

Natsuki had Yuri’s hands pinned down.

“This is such a cozy bed,” Natsuki said.

“How would you know?” Yuri said, “You’re sitting on me.”

Natsuki grinned and then aggressively kissed Yuri. Her tongue movements were forceful and deliberate. Yuri, on the other hand, had no idea what she was doing. It felt good though.

When Natsuki pulled away, Yuri frowned. She wanted more kisses.

“What is that face for?” Natsuki pulled up Yuri’s shirt a bit and put her hand on her stomach.

Yuri squirmed and grabbed Natsuki’s hands.

“Shit, your hands are so cold!” Yuri scowled up at Natsuki’s evil grin.

“Wow,” Natsuki said, “I didn’t know you could cuss. Say something else.”

Yuri shook her head.

“Say fuck,” Natsuki said, “Say fuck. Or no kisses for you.”

“Okay,” Yuri said. “Okay, Nat.”

“What! Oh my God.” Natsuki moved off of Yuri and sat on the bed facing away from her.

Yuri continued to lay down, laughing.

“I’ve said fuck before in front of you, silly,” Yuri said, “Remember when I called you Nat in the literature club though? You looked like you wanted to kill me.”

Natsuki rolled her eyes as she moved back to sit atop Yuri. “No Nat.” She lay a finger on Yuri’s lips.

Yuri licked her finger.

“Ew!” Natsuki pulled away her hand. “Gross!”

Yuri giggled.

“Fuck.” Natsuki sighed. “You’re really cute when you laugh.”

They kissed again, and Yuri found herself playing with Natsuki’s hair.

“I like your hair longer like this,” Yuri said, “It’s so soft too.”

“Thanks, cutie,” Natsuki said. She tugged at the bottom of Yuri’s shirt. “May I?”

Yuri blushed. This was all new to her. She shrugged.

Natsuki pulled off Yuri’s sweater and then her shirt. Yuri felt strange laying there in just her bra, but it didn’t feel bad in front of Natsuki.

Natsuki brought one of Yuri’s arms up to her face and kissed the scars.

“How has therapy been going?” Natsuki said, still kissing Yuri’s arm gently.

“It's been… weird. I think I expected to get better faster.” Yuri looked away, feeling a bit embarrassed. “I don’t know if my therapist really understands me… it feels weird.”

“You know, from what Sayori has told me,” Natsuki said, “It seems like fit is super important. This therapist might not be right for you. Maybe you should try seeing someone else.”

Yuri nodded silently. She might need to do that.

Natsuki lay down and pulled herself right up beside Yuri. She started tracing her finger along Yuri’s chest and stomach.

“Why did you cut on my bed, Yuri?”

Yuri stared up at the ceiling. “I don’t know how to deal with emotions very well. I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings for you.”

“So you knew then? That you liked me?” Natsuki looked up at Yuri’s face.

“I uh… I didn’t really understand the feelings, like I said. But I guess they were there.”

“I know I’ve already apologized, but um.” Natsuki burrowed her head into Yuri’s neck. “I want to say again that I’m sorry for getting mad about you cutting. I want you to be safe. I’m very glad you’re seeing someone now. I’ll support you no matter what.”

“Thank you.” Yuri kissed Natsuki’s head. “You’re so sweet.”

“Mhsdklfjsdf.” Natsuki mumbled into Yuri’s chest. She then pulled away. “God, your boobs are so fucking big. I wish I had boobs like yours.”

Yuri turned her face away, flustered.

“Would you like to see them?” She said, trying to be sexy.

Apparently it failed because Natsuki giggled.

“Okay.” Natsuki kissed her. “You’re so adorable.”

Yuri pulled off her bra. Natsuki pulled off her own shirt and bra as well.

They kissed again. Natsuki grabbed Yuri’s breasts, squeezing them. Yuri moaned as they kissed, and pulled harder on Natsuki’s back.

Then, Natsuki pulled her mouth away and moved it to Yuri’s breasts. She began to swirl her tongue around, and Yuri squirmed on the bed. Yuri put a hand on Natsuki’s head, stroking her hair. Natsuki then bit and sucked hard. Yuri inhaled sharply. When Natsuki pulled away, Yuri could see a hickey faintly forming on her breast.

“You like that?” Natsuki smirked and kissed Yuri again.

“I want more of you,” Yuri said, blushing.

Yuri reached down under Natsuki’s skirt and pressed her hand up against her crotch, but she was surprised to find a bulge there.

“W-wait!” Natsuki said.

Yuri looked up at Natsuki’s face, which was now bright red.

“I’m trans.” She finally said. “I thought you knew honestly. I mean I’ve been on HRT for forever now though so I guess like I’m good at passing and whatever and....”

Yuri leaned up and kissed Natsuki.

“Shhh,” She said softly, “Just tell me the best way to get you off.”

Yuri looked expectantly up at her blushing girlfriend.


	11. Just Like Heaven

_ Bzz. Bzzz. _

“Shit, that’s my phone.”

Natsuki shifted her body from atop Yuri and stretched out her hand to grab her phone from the nightstand. Her other hand currently had two fingers deep inside Yuri.

“Oh fuck,” Yuri groaned as Natsuki’s fingers inadvertently shifted inside of her as well.

“Hold on, baby,” Natsuki said, looking at her phone.

“Baby?” Yuri giggled. “That’s new.”

“Shush.” Natsuki turned red. In retaliation, she pushed her fingers deeper into Yuri.

Yuri moaned loudly and rolled her head back into the pillow.

“God, Sayori sent me like 20 messages.” Natsuki was still staring at her phone, as if unaware of the position she had Yuri in.

“What about?” Yuri asked, once she had taken a moment to compose herself.

“I guess she doesn’t know where Monika is or something,” Natsuki said, “I’ll send Monika a text. You know how they are though. Monika is probably taking a detour on her way home to buy Sayori flowers or some romantic shit like that.”

“You don’t like... being romantic?” It was hard for Yuri to get a full sentence out now that Natsuki was back to gently fucking her with her fingers. She couldn’t help but whimper as Natsuki curled her fingers against her G-spot.

“I’ll buy you flowers if that’s what you want, cutie,” Natsuki said, “You’re really fucking beautiful, you know that?”

Yuri blushed.

“Shut the fuck up... and kiss me.” She pulled Natsuki’s head back down.

There was the sound of fumbling around as Natsuki attempted to put her phone back down while kissing Yuri. Finally she got it, and then used her arm to prop herself up on her side beside Yuri.

Natsuki gently bit on Yuri’s lip. Yuri whimpered and grabbed Natsuki’s hair more tightly. Natsuki increased the pace of the her fingers until Yuri wasn’t able to do much more than moan into Natsuki’s mouth.

And then Natsuki stopped.

Yuri stared up at her in confusion.

“Oh, you wanted me to keep going?” Natsuki had a look of pure mischief on her face.

Yuri nodded shyly.

“Um…” Natsuki gave her a look of feigned perplexion. “I don’t know what you want.”

Yuri furrowed her brow.

“Are you teasing me?” She asked.

Natsuki giggled and then curled her fingers inside Yuri.

“Oh fuck.” Yuri squirmed. “Please…”

“Please what?” Natsuki smiled down at her. “Jeez, someone’s needy.”

“Please finger me,” Yuri finally said, averting her gaze out of embarrassment.

“Awh baby,” Natsuki said, kissing Yuri’s neck and beginning to finger her again. “You’re so precious.”

Yuri moved her body a little in rhythm with Natsuki’s fingers.

“You’re really cute when you’re embarrassed…” Natsuki kept kissing her body.

Natsuki felt so good inside her. Yuri writhed on the bed, closing her eyes as the pleasure overwhelmed her body.

When Yuri opened her eyes, they met Natsuki’s gaze. Yuri put her hand on Natsuki’s face as Natsuki continued to fuck her.

Natsuki was so pretty. The way she looked down at Yuri with such love in her eyes made Yuri feel amazing. Here she was, stark naked and body covered in scars, and Natsuki was staring at her like she was the most beautiful thing in the world.

The pressure was building up inside Yuri, and she started to feel her body twitching as waves of pleasure ran through her body. She closed her eyes, unable to think about anything other than how good she felt in that moment. Warmth seemed to radiate inside her. She pulled tight on Natsuki.

And then it was over. Yuri grabbed Natsuki’s arm to stop her.

Her body felt overly sensitive. Her heart was beating fast.

Closing her eyes, she took deep breaths.

“Was that good?” Natsuki kissed her. “Did you come?”

“Mhm.” Yuri liked Natsuki’s gentle kisses.

“Look what you did to my fingers.” Natsuki giggled as she held up her hand.

Yuri rolled her eyes and then gave a pouty face.

“I need cuddles,” She said, rolling to her side.

“Okay, okay,” Natsuki said, holding Yuri tight. “You’re so cute.”

“Wow, you’re so warm.” Yuri pushed back into Natsuki.

“I like this. Hair all in my face.” Natsuki sighed. “Smells nice though at least.”

Natsuki pulled away to grab her phone.

“Looks like everything is okay with her and Monika. Obviously.”

“Awh I’m cold now,” Yuri complained.

“Hold on, hold on. Let me send a text.” Natsuki typed quickly. “ _ Sorry couldn’t respond, was too busy having sex with my gf. You might know her as Yuri. _ ”

“Oh my god.” Yuri rolled over to face Natsuki. “You’re so dumb.”

“I can’t brag about my amazing girlfriend?”

“You’re bragging about the sex.” Yuri gave her a disapproving glare. “Now cuddle me.”

Natsuki giggled. “Okay, cutie.”

She held Yuri tight for the rest of the night.


	12. Hysterical and Useless

Monika was pretty sure she had figured out what was going on. She had put all of the clues together. This world was deteriorating. She was never meant to live this long. A future where she could be happy with Sayori? A future where she was going to college? It was going to tear the world apart. Things were on the edge of being reset. She was going to be sent back to the literature club where she belonged. It was where she was always meant to be.

Monika looked over to Sayori, who was quietly doing homework and humming to herself. Monika felt like she was going to start crying. She wasn’t ready to lose Sayori.

Getting up off the couch, Monika grabbed her keys and opened the door.

“I’m heading out, baby.” She gave Sayori a faint smile.

“Okay, sweetheart.” Sayori looked back with concern. “Where are you going? Are you doing okay?”

“I just need to take a drive. Don’t worry.” Monika stepped outside and closed the door.

Once Monika started driving, her mind quickly sifted through the possible options she had of places to go. All she knew is that she couldn’t be around Sayori right now. It was too heartbreaking.

But there was once place that might be comforting. Monika knocked on the door.

“Hey, Monika.” The door opened to reveal Ryoko. “What are you doing here?”

“I just wanted to see you,” Monika said.

“What, the girlfriend kick you out or something?” Ryoko smirked. She ran a hand through her short blue hair.

“Something like that…” Monika invited herself in. “Got anything to drink?”

“Ohhh, so that’s why you’re here.” Ryoko closed the door behind them. “You want to get drunk?”

“Honestly? Yes.” Monika flopped down on the couch. “Rough day.”

“You’re lucky, I happen to have some vodka.” Ryoko disappeared into the kitchen for a moment. She returned carrying a bottle and two glasses.

“Thank god,” Monika said.

Ryoko poured them both shots.

“Cheers,” Ryoko said, holding up her glass.

“Cheers.” Monika knocked back the shot. The burning sensation was refreshing.

“I should probably grab some juice as well.” Ryoko left again.

Monika let her body sink lower into the couch. Everything was falling apart. How could she bear to be around Sayori anymore? It was torture to know that the life they had built together was going to be torn apart.

Ryoko put another drink in Monika’s hand. Monika stared blankly at it.

“Did you want to keep taking shots or something?” Ryoko said.

“Oh.” Monika snapped out of her self-pity. She took a drink of the juice and vodka mix. “No this is good.”

“You seem like you’re in a bit of a weird mood,” Ryoko said, “You’re not your usual self.”

“Yeah…” Monika thought about how she should respond. “It’s just an off day I guess.”

“Well, you wanna hear something funny?” Ryoko lay back into the couch across from her. “You know how your friend Yuri goes to my college?”

Monika nodded, only half paying attention.

“Get this.” Ryoko leaned forward. “We’re leading the literature club together. We’re both friends with the president. What are the chances?” She laughed.

“Weird.” Monika shook her head. “Literature club, huh? I didn’t know you were a nerd like that.”

“Seriously? Are you gonna give me that?” Ryoko pretended to look hurt. “Weren’t you president of the literature club in high school anyway?” She laughed again.

“Yeah.” This time Monika giggled a little. “I most definitely was.”

They continued to drink and talk for awhile, until Monika noticed her pocket vibrating.

“Oh shit,” Monika said, pulling out her phone.

_ Sayori: Baby where are you? _

_ Sayori: I’m worried about you _

What should she say? Monika didn’t want to worry Sayori, but she didn’t want to admit that she was with Ryoko for some reason. Maybe she was worried it would make Sayori jealous.

“Is that the GF?” Ryoko asked.

Monika put away her phone and nodded.

“The old ball and chain?” Ryoko wiggled her eyebrows at Monika and giggled.

Monika couldn’t help but giggle a little too. She was starting to feel pretty tipsy at this point.

“That’s cool.” Ryoko leaned back, like she was trying to be casual. She pushed her bangs out of her face.

Ryoko looked away, her bright blue eyes staring out the window. Her eyes were rather big and pretty. She looked pretty cute in general.

Kinda attractive honestly.

“You know, Sayori has been talking with this guy lately and it’s making me jealous,” Monika said. “Sometimes it seems like she’s more interested in him than me.”

“Wow,” Ryoko said, “Well she’s making a big mistake. Who could be more interesting than you?”

Ryoko stretched her arms up and yawned. Her shirt lifted up in the process, showing her stomach. Her feet reached out across the couch and brushed up against Monika’s leg.

“Yeah…” Monika said, “I feel a bit ignored lately.”

“Awh.” Ryoko reached out her hand and put it on Monika’s arm. “I’m sorry. I’m always here for you.”

Monika smiled. “You dating anyone right now, Ryoko?”

“No,” Ryoko said. “I’m kinda interested in someone though.”

Ryoko scooted up closer to Monika. Her hand was still on Monika’s arm.

“Oh really?” Monika found herself staring at Ryoko’s lips.

“Yeah,” Ryoko said. “She’s seeing someone else right now though.”

Ryoko moved her hand to Monika’s leg. Monika shuddered.

“Uh.” Monika suddenly felt very uncomfortable. “W-wonder who you’re talking about.”

Ryoko leaned forward. She was opening her mouth for a kiss. Everything felt like it was happening in slow motion.

Monika fell off the couch.

“Fuck.” Monika struggled to get up. “Oh my god.”

Ryoko looked awkward. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Shit.” Monika stood up. “I have to pee.”

“Uh, bathroom is down the hall.” Ryoko pointed. “On the left.”

“Thanks. Sorry.” Monika stumbled a bit down the hall.

What the fuck was she thinking? She didn’t want that. She especially didn’t want to ever hurt Sayori. Why had she even come here?

But Monika knew. She liked the attention.

She always had been a monster and always would be. Sayori would realize eventually.

Was it on the left or the right? Monika couldn’t remember. She opened the door on the right. It was a bedroom. Wrong room.

Monika was about to close the door when something caught her eye. Was that…? It was too hard to make out though.

Wait. She could turn on the light.

Monika stepped inside the room and fumbled around on the wall for a light switch. It had to be around here somewhere. She found the panel, and then moved her hand around some more to actually find the switch.

Finally, she flipped on the light.

Sayori was hanging. Sayori was hanging. Sayori was hanging. Sayori was hanging. Sayori was hanging. Sayori was hanging. Sayori was hanging. Sayori was hanging. Sayori was hanging. Sayori was hanging. Sayori was hanging. Sayori was hanging. Sayori was hanging. Sayori was hanging. Sayori was hanging. Sayori was hanging. Sayori was hanging. Sayori was hanging. Sayori was hanging. Sayori was hanging. Sayori was hanging. Sayori was hanging. Sayori was hanging. Sayori was hanging.

Ryoko was standing over Monika, yelling something. Finally, Ryoko put her hand on Monika’s mouth.

“What the fuck!” Ryoko looked angry. “I have neighbors! You can’t just scream like that! What’s going on?”

Sayori.

Sayori.

Sayori.

“Oh god…” Ryoko stepped back. “You look really bad. Oh my god.”

Monika propped herself up against the wall with difficulty. She tried several times to pull out her phone but could fit her hand into her jeans.

“What is going on?” Ryoko asked again.

Monika finally pulled out her phone. One the screen were missed calls and texts from Sayori.

_ Monika: Are you there _

_ Sayori: What the hell why didn’t you answer any of my texts or calls _

_ Monika: I need to see you right now _

_ Sayori: What is going on _

_ Sayori: What happened _

_ Monika: I’m sorry _

_ Monika: I don’t deserve you _

_ Sayori: Where are you _

_ Monika: At Ryoko’s _

_ Sayori: What the fuck _

_ Sayori: What did you do _

“Monika?” Ryoko kneeled down. “Are you freaking out because of what happened on the couch? Are you telling your girlfriend? I thought you wanted it.”

_ Monika: Can you pick me up _

_ Sayori: Did you cheat on me Monika _

_ Monika: She almost kissed me _

_ Monika: Something else happened tho _

_ Sayori: What _

_ Monika: Please pick me up _

_ Sayori: omw _

“What the hell is going on?” Ryoko was pacing. “I’m not the bad guy here!”

Monika took a deep breath.

“You’re okay,” Monika said, “You wouldn’t have wanted that either. I’m majorly fucked up.”

Monika stood up shakily.

“I’m just going to leave,” Monika said, “I’m really sorry, Ryoko.”

“Look, I was just a little tipsy,” Ryoko said, “You don’t need to freak out on me like this.”

“It’s okay.” Monika walked out the door. “I was freaking out over something else. I think I had too much to drink. Sorry about this.”

“Okay, whatever,” Ryoko said, “Sorry to ruin your night.” She shut the door.

It wasn’t long before Sayori showed up.

“I’m going to give that bitch a piece of my mind,” Sayori said as she stepped out of the car, stomping towards the apartment.

“Whoa, babe.” Monika grabbed her. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about her. I’m not going to be hanging out with her anymore.”

Sayori was glaring at the door. She turned her head to Monika, trying to make up her mind.

“Fine,” She said, “Let’s go.”

Sayori didn’t say anything the entire ride home.

When they got inside the apartment, Sayori went into the kitchen. Monika sat down on the couch, still shaking. Sayori came back a moment later with two cups.

“Here,” Sayori said, “Have some tea. You… you look upset.”

“T-thanks,” Monika said.

Even in a situation like this, Sayori was so caring. She was too good for Monika.

“Now please tell me what’s going on,” Sayori said.

“I don’t deserve you,” Monika said, “You don’t know what terrible things I have done in the past. Everything will be over soon and it's all my fault.”

“Hey.” Sayori put her hand on Monika’s shoulder. “Tell me what’s going on. No more being cryptic and vague, okay?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” Monika took a sip of tea. The warmth was slightly calming.

“Try me.” Sayori’s face was incredibly stern. It was a rare expression for her.

Monika shook her head.

“I guess everything is going to be over anyway,” She said, “So I might as well see what happens if I tell you.”

She took another sip of tea.

“You know the movie Groundhog Day? That was me in high school. Every time the day of the festival came, everything reset to the week before.”

Sayori didn’t say anything. She just continued to stare intently.

“That’s just the start though. I wanted a way out, and in order to find one I killed you, Yuri, and Natsuki. I killed all of you. It didn’t work though. Things just repeated. I began to discover that I had no control whatsoever over my actions in that world. I tried my best to stop you from dying, but things always played out the same. It made no sense. I was designed to kill you all, even when I actively tried to work against it. My fate was predetermined. It was terrifying. I watched you all die over and over again. Eventually I couldn’t handle it. I shut down mentally. Everything continued to play out the same way, but I shut it all out.”

Monika set down her tea because she was worried she would spill it. Tears fell onto her cup.

“I’ve had nightmares of those events,” Sayori said quietly.

Monika took a deep breath.

“Then one day it was over. It was like things were normal. You noticed me. You noticed how emotionally exhausted I was. I fell in love with you and I had a future again. Live moved on past the festival. I was happy. And then the other day I woke up and I was convinced that the world had reset. But it hadn’t. And then I felt like my thoughts were deteriorating. And then I saw blood on your hands. And then today, after Ryoko almost kissed me I freaked out and tried to go to the bathroom but instead I walked into her bedroom and I…”

It was hard to get the words out when she was crying so hard now.

“I saw you. I saw you dead again. Just like it used to happen. I’m not ready to lose you. But the terrifying thing is… the terrifying thing is that I deserve this. I deserve to live through an eternity of hell for the things I have done to you. To you and Yuri and Natsuki.”

She was sobbing now. Sayori leaned over and pulled her head down into her lap. Sayori softly stroked her hair.

“Honey…” Sayori said softly, “It’s all going to be okay.”

“I’m not ready to lose you again,” Monika sobbed.

“You’re not going to lose me,” Sayori said, “Because I don’t think the world is going to reset. I think you’re having flashbacks. I think you might have PTSD...”

Sayori continued to stroke Monika’s hair until she was calmer. Monika sat up and wrapped her arms around Sayori.

“But I need to know,” Sayori said, “Did you cheat on me?”

“No,” Monika said, “I could never have kissed her. I couldn’t hurt you like that. And I know I don’t want to be with anyone but you. I don’t know why I let her get that close though. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Sayori kissed Monika gently.

“It’s going to be okay,” Sayori said, “I used to act self destructive like that.”

Monika pulled Sayori tighter.

“I love you so much,” Monika said, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“I love you too,” Sayori said, “Thank you for telling me about Ryoko, and your trauma. Obviously there are things we need to work on together. I should have showed you more attention.”

“No.” Monika sniffled. “You’re so amazing. You’re so supportive. I feel safe with you. I should have told you about what I went through a long time ago.”

“I don’t really understand why that would happen to you, and why only you would remember, but at the same time…” Sayori shook her head. “For some reason it makes sense. Like I always knew.”

Monika finally felt a sense of peace.


	13. Running Out Like it's the End of the World

“Thanks for hanging out, you two,” Sayori said through a mouthful of pancakes.

“You know you don’t have to trick us into thinking there’s an emergency just to get us to hang out with you, right?” Natsuki said, snorting in annoyance.

The diner was surprisingly empty for a Saturday morning. Yuri liked it though. It was always more comfortable being in public when there weren’t swarms of people around.

“It really is an emergency,” Sayori said, pouring more syrup on her plate. “It has to do with Monika…”

“Well?” Natsuki crossed her arms. “The suspense is killing me.”

“Is Monika okay?” Yuri asked, putting her hand on Natsuki’s leg. She shot Natsuki a look that hopefully conveyed something along the lines of ‘ease up on the hostility’.

“She uh,” Sayori stopped eating and sat for a moment with a blank expression, “She almost cheated on me…”

There was a moment of silence as Yuri and Natsuki processed the information.

“What the fuck,” Natsuki said, “I am going to fucking-”

Yuri squeezed Natsuki’s leg hard.

“Sayori,” Yuri said, “Please tell us what happened. If you feel comfortable.”

“I don’t know,” Sayori said, “She’s just been acting so out of character lately. It’s like I don’t know her anymore. She’s scaring me. You know what she said this morning?”

“What did she say?” Yuri asked.

“She told me that she wants to go see…” Sayori rubbed her temple and frowned. “Him.”

“Wait,” Natsuki said, leaning forward. “You mean…?”

“Yeah,” Sayori leaned back in her seat. “She wants all of the original literature club members back together again. All five of us. I know she doesn’t want to just see him, so it's really freaking me out because it’s like she really believes that getting us all together will put everything in its right place again. Like it will fix everything. She has these nightmares. I mean they’re actually flashbacks but… it’s hard to explain. I think she has some serious trauma from high school and I’m starting to get really worried about her behaviour.”

“So is that why she almost cheated?” Yuri asked.

“I guess so.” Sayori sniffled. “It’s like she’s scared to be around me sometimes. I think I’m related to her trauma. It’s horrible, because I want to help her so badly but I’m part of the problem. So then she went looking for attention elsewhere or something. It feels like she’s acting self-destructive to me.”

Sayori leaned forward again and started slowly eating more pancakes with a sad expression on her face.

Yuri noticed that Natsuki was shaking her leg and clenching her fist.

“None of that gives Monika the right to hurt you,” Natsuki said.

“Well I think that uh.” Yuri tried to formulate the correct words to not escalate the drama. “Obviously our knee-jerk reaction would be to tell you to dump her, but considering Monika didn’t actually cheat and, I mean we’ve known her for a long time now, and this does seem out of character for her, so I think we should give her the benefit of the doubt here.”

Sayori nodded sorrowfully.

“We can’t just let her walk all over Sayori,” Natsuki whispered aggressively to Yuri.

“I know, trust me,” Yuri whispered, “But I don’t think what Monika is doing actually has anything to do with their relationship. I think whatever is going on with Monika has the side effect of messing with her and Sayori’s relationship.”

Natsuki glanced back at Sayori, who was quietly eating pancakes.

“Okay,” Natsuki whispered, “I trust you…” She looked up, her pink eyes almost glowing with ferocity. “But if Monika ever tries anything ever again, she will not get any sympathy from me.”

Yuri nodded. “Nor me.”

Sayori took a drink of orange juice. “Are you two done whispering?”

“Okay,” Natsuki said, “Tell us about getting the original five literature club members together.”

“Well,” Sayori said, “Moni wants to take a roadtrip.”

“He moved after high school though right?” Natsuki said, “Doesn’t he live like… far away?”

“I looked it up and it’s around a thousand miles away,” Sayori said.

“We could take a plane,” Yuri said, “I’m willing to pay for everyone.”

Natsuki almost choked on her food and looked up at Yuri in surprise. Yuri smiled weakly. She didn’t like making a big deal out of it, but she thought it would have been obvious to Natsuki by now that Yuri’s family didn’t really have money issues.

“Thanks Yuri,” Sayori said, “But I think in Monika’s current state… she’s really set on the road trip idea. Flying might make her too anxious. I understand if you two can’t make it though.”

“Why doesn’t the asshole fly down to us?” Natsuki said.

“Moni hasn’t even tried talking to him yet,” Sayori said.

“It seems like Monika wants an escape from her current life more than she actually needs to get everyone together,” Yuri said, “Or at least that is how it appears to me.”

“I guess I can take time off work,” Natsuki said, frowning.

“And both you and Monika have finished finals already, right?” Yuri asked. “I just finished mine.”

“Yeah,” Sayori said, “I would really appreciate if you two could help make this work. Moni really needs this.”

“We can do this,” Yuri said.

* * *

The first thing Sayori noticed when she got home was Monika’s hair.

Monika was sitting on the couch, playing a song on her acoustic guitar and singing softly to herself. Her hair looked like it had been chopped into something resembling a pixie cut.

“Oh uh.” Sayori paused in the doorway. “Hi babe.”

Monika leaned her guitar up against the couch, and then walked up to Sayori.

“How are you-” Sayori started before being swept up into a tight hug by Monika.

“I love you so much,” Monika said quietly. “I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done to you.”

“Moni…” Sayori felt like she was going to start crying.

“I got you these.” Monika handed Sayori a vase of buttercups.

“Thank you.” Sayori sniffled. “Your hair though, Moni.”

“I needed a change, you know?” Monika rested her hands on Sayori’s hips.

Sayori hugged Monika again.

“You look super gay,” She whispered.

Monika responded by kissing her, although this time more forcefully.

Sayori giggled, pulling away.

“You could at least have the courtesy to take me to the bedroom,” Sayori said.

Monika grabbed Sayori’s hand and led her to the bed, where she sat down. Pushing Monika down, Sayori sat herself on Monika’s stomach.

“You’re trapped now,” Sayori said, giggling.

“Oof.” Monika adjusted her body. “I think you’re too heavy to sit on me anymore, baby.”

“Are you calling me fat?” Sayori frowned and reluctantly lay down beside Monika.

“No.” Monika kissed Sayori. “You’re not fat, sweetheart.”

The truth was, Sayori had gained weight over the last couple of years. In high school, Sayori used to go long periods of time without eating anything at all. She struggled with having an appetite for a long time, but eventually as she started being able to deal with her depression she found herself eating more.

“You speak lies!” Sayori aggressively snuggled into Monika. “You dare lie to me… Such is treason.”

“You have the absolute cutest tummy.” Monika tickled Sayori’s tummy. “It makes me so happy to see how far you’ve come from high school. I’m so proud of you.”

Sayori giggled. “Pfft, whatever!” She curled up into a ball. “Cuddle me.”

“Aw baby,” Monika said.

Sayori turned her back to Monika, so Monika wrapped her arms around Sayori and pressed up against her back.

“Hey Sayo,” Monika said, after a moment of silence. “What do you think about the road trip idea?”

“Well, I talked to Natsuki and Yuri about it,” Sayori said, turning her head. “They seemed into it.”

“Okay, that’s good.” Monika ran her hand along Sayori’s back. “I think we need all of the old literature club together.”

“I know, Moni,” Sayori said, “If this is what you need then I’m willing to see him.”

* * *

Yuri attempted to fit her suitcase into the back of Monika’s car.

“Okay!” Sayori clapped her hands and addressed the group. “Everyone ready to go?”

“We’re ready to go,” Natsuki said, crossing her arms. “We were ready like fifty million years ago.”

Sayori ignored Natsuki’s comment and smiled at Monika. “All good?”

Monika nodded with a smile.

“Oh wait!” Sayori ran back into their apartment.

“What did she forget now?” Monika said to herself, shaking her head.

Natsuki quickly approached Monika.

“If you  _ ever _ do  _ anything _ to hurt Sayori again,” Natsuki said, “I will personally ensure that you will experience pain unlike anything you’ve ever experienced before.”

Monika slowly nodded her head. “I understand.”

Sayori came running back. “Let’s go! I’ll drive, Moni!”

Yuri and Natsuki hopped into the back seat. Yuri reached out her hand, and Natsuki grabbed ahold of it.

“I think this will be fun,” Yuri said softly to Natsuki.

Natsuki smiled. “Yeah.”

As they started driving, Yuri rolled down the window, letting the wind run through her hair. It felt good to just escape like this. Sayori turned up the music loud. It was a song that Yuri liked. Maybe this was what everyone needed. She squeezed Natsuki’s hand and let her mind clear away.


	14. Giving Up and Going On

Monika crouched down by the gravestone.

“It seems that I won’t be able to reunite the literature club,” Monika said. Her tone was devoid of emotion.

She stared at the stone for a long time before Sayori gently touched her shoulder.

“Darling…” Sayori said softly, “Are you okay?”

Monika stood up.

“I just had hoped for a solution.” Monika stared up at the slowly moving clouds. “It seems that God will not allow me to atone for my sins now…”

“Your sins?” Sayori frowned and grabbed Monika’s hand. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m sorry sweetheart.” Monika smiled sadly at Sayori. “Let’s go back home.”

Sayori looked like she wanted to say more, but was lost for words.

“Okay.” Monika addressed Yuri and Natsuki. “Are you two ready to go?”

Natsuki kicked at the grass. “I wish we had some flowers to leave at least.”

“Maybe we can buy some,” Yuri suggested, squeezing Natsuki’s hand.

“It’s getting pretty dark,” Natsuki said, “There probably won’t be any stores open.”

“Maybe we will come again.” Sayori’s eyes seemed to be filled with regret as she looked down at the gravestone. She probably wished that their relationship had ended differently.

The clouds swirled as the girls began their drive home.

“It sucks that we have to drive tomorrow too,” Natsuki said, pulling her legs up and squishing closer into Yuri’s side. She was also shivering.

“You seem cold,” Yuri said, “You want my jacket, baby?”

Natsuki nodded and Yuri took off her jacket. She put it around Natsuki’s shoulders. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Sayori staring with her jaw hanging open. Was it because her shirt didn’t quite cover up all of the scars on her arms?

“Did you just say…” Sayori gasped. “Baby?!”

Yuri rolled her eyes.

“You know we’re dating,” Natsuki said, “Dumbass.”

“Hey, be nice to Sayori,” Sayori said, “I’m just teasing you two.”

Natsuki stuck out her tongue.

They reached the hotel where they would be staying for the night just as the dipped past the horizon.

Yuri stepped out of the car. Her sweater seemed to catch on something though.

“Hurry up and get out, jeez,” Natsuki said, poking Yuri in the back.

“Sorry,” Yuri said, tugging her arm away.

Yuri looked down at her arm.

“Shoot,” Yuri said, “It appears I tore my sweater.”

“Aw,” Natsuki said, “Well you have a bajillion of them anyway. Wait… you’re bleeding!”

Yuri pulled up the arm of her sweater, which was growing red. A long cut ran up the length of her forearm.

“Oh my god,” Natsuki said, “Are you okay? I think I’m gonna be sick...”

“Its okay,” Yuri said. The cut did not alarm her in the slightest.

Sayori ran over. “Oh no! Moni, can you grab the bandages from the car?”

Yuri glanced over at Monika, who was only staring blankly in their direction.

“Moni! The bandages?” Sayori tried again.

Monika only nodded slowly. She looked like she was zoning out.

“I’m sorry,” Sayori said, “I’ll look for them. I don’t know what’s going on with Monika…”

“Its okay!” Natsuki ran over. “I got them!”

“I can take care of it from here,” Yuri said. “Thank you, Natsuki.”

Yuri cleaned up and bandaged the cut using the emergency kit. She was used to the procedure.

“Everything okay?” Sayori asked.

Yuri nodded and smiled. “Yeah, nothing to worry about.”

Sayori walked over to Monika, who still looked as though she was daydreaming.

“Hey babe?” Sayori asked.

Sayori gently grabbed ahold of one of Monika’s arms

“We’re going to go to our room now, okay?” Sayori said, but Monika didn’t respond.

“Let me take care of paying for this,” Yuri said. “You guys should get Monika to the room.”

Monika seemed distant and detached as Sayori and Natsuki led her away.

“Thank you Yuri,” Sayori said, “See you tomorrow…”

Monika’s condition seemed concerning, but Yuri trusted Sayori to handle it. Yuri paid for the rooms and then headed up to the one where her and Natsuki were staying.

Yuri considered knocking on Sayori and Monika’s door but decided against it, walking into her room. She closed the door gently behind her. Natsuki wasn't in the main room so Yuri walked over to the bathroom and pushed open the door, which was already ajar.

Natsuki was staring into the mirror.

"Nat?" Yuri asked in a soft voice.

Natsuki jumped, her eyes opening wide in terror until she saw Yuri.

"Fuck!" She said, grabbing the sink for balance. She looked like she was going to get mad for a moment, but then she took a deep breath and sighed. "I'm sorry, that response seems to be hardwired into me at this point."

"Don't apologize," Yuri said, standing behind Natsuki and wrapping her arms around her. "Have you heard anything from... your father?"

"Yeah..." Natsuki frowned. "I haven't responded though. As long as I have you... I actually feel safe for once." She turned red, her eyes flickering up at Yuri's for a reaction.

"I'm glad," Yuri said, squeezing Natsuki.

"I never thought I'd be able to leave," Natsuki said, "Because I didn't have a place to go even after I turned 18. Things got really bad though and I texted you on a whim, but it worked. I kept thinking you would turn me away. I don't know how this happened..."

Natsuki turned around and pulled on Yuri's shoulders, standing on her tiptoes so she could kiss her.

"What were you doing in here?" Yuri said as Natsuki pulled away.

"I uh... I decided not to wear makeup today," Natsuki said, "And honestly it's been a long time since I've gone without any at all. You know... I feel like I have to try extra hard to be cute since... well, because... you know."

"How do you feel about going without it?" Yuri asked.

"I think that it feels weird but I want to feel comfortable as myself," Natsuki said.

"I'd suggest," Yuri said, "That you keep going it without it then."

"Maybe if I go long enough without it then it will feel like a choice again," Natsuki said.

They stood there in silence for a moment, holding hands.

"Okay," Natsuki said, "We just gonna stand in the bathroom all night?"

They went into the other room, changing out of their clothes. Yuri removed one of her knives from her pocket as she took off her pants.

Natsuki noticed. "Is there any way I can get you stop carrying knives around?"

"It's not for cutting," Yuri said, "Carrying them around helps me with my anxiety. They're like charms."

"Maybe we could replace them with something," Natsuki said.

"It doesn't work," Yuri said, "I tried... but I haven't cut in 10 days. You were there... the last time. I've been doing well."

"You're counting?" Natsuki said.

"It helps motivate me," Yuri said, "So that I know I'm doing well."

"That doesn't really make sense though," Natsuki said, "Like if you're actually going to stop cutting wouldn't you just stop thinking about it? Why would you keep track of the days?"

"I..." Yuri couldn't think of a good response. "I don't know."

Natsuki crawled into the bed.

"I guess," Yuri said, "I guess it just makes me feel better when I do cut again. I feel like I actually tried."

Yuri lay on her back in the bed. She felt weird. Maybe she wouldn't ever be able to get over cutting. It was her addiction.

“You… you are trying really hard, and I know that,” Natsuki said, “I think we can get there together. Don’t worry about it right now though…”

“Okay.” Yuri kissed Natsuki and then cuddled up next to her, falling asleep to the soft chirping of the crickets.

 

* * *

 

 

Something woke Yuri up. Her room was lit only by the white glow of the moon.

They had returned home earlier that day from their trip, and things seemed like they would just return to normal. But of course Monika’s condition was only becoming increasingly concerning, and Natsuki had ignored several calls from her father, leaving Yuri feeling like something terrible was brewing. Her attempts to sleep had been mostly restless as she struggled against the urge to cut.

The tall shadows surrounding her felt especially eerie tonight as she listened to what sounded like voices coming from somewhere within the house. Was somebody in the house?

Yuri slipped out of bed and into her pajamas. She crept over to her chest, opening it with shaky hands. Pulling out a knife, she closed the chest again without making any noise.

Still hearing voices, Yuri gripped tightly to the knife, the blade glinting in the moon’s light. It seemed like there could definitely be someone inside the house.

Natsuki was still fast asleep. Yuri gently nudged her on the shoulder.

“Hey, darling…” Yuri said in a whisper.

Slowly Natsuki’s eyes opened. She grumbled and turned, facing Yuri.

As she did, her eyes opened wide in terror.

“What?” Yuri didn’t know what was wrong. She followed Natsuki’s gaze to the knife in her hand.

Natsuki shot up, blocking her face with her arms.

“No, papa!” She screamed, backing into the headboard.

“It's me!” Yuri cried, stepping backward. “It’s me, Yuri!”

Yuri looked down at herself. With the window behind her, her figure was entirely shadowed, making it easy to mistake who she was.

It seemed to register with Natsuki that her father was not in the room, and she lowered her arms. She was trembling, her body curled into a ball.

“I’m sorry,” Yuri said.

Natsuki seemed unable to form a sentence. She rocked back and forth on the bed.

A loud knocking came from downstairs.

“I’m going to see who that is,” Yuri said. She wanted to comfort Natsuki, but she had to take care of this first.

As she ran down the stairs, she realized that the voices had been coming from the front door all along. She opened the door, hiding the knife behind her back.

A man and a woman, both middle-aged, stood in front of her.

“Is Natsuki here?” The woman demanded, forcing herself into the doorway.

Yuri stepped back. “Y-yes.”

“I hope you realize how worried her father has been,” The woman said.

“I have half a mind to report you for kidnapping,” The man said.

Natsuki came down the stairs slowly behind Yuri.

“Aunt Tanaka?” Natsuki asked in surprise.

“We’ve come to bring you back home.” The aunt said.

“I’m not going back,” Natsuki said, “I’m an adult now.”

“Your father will have to be the one to scold you for such an attitude,” The aunt said, “But I am simply here to tell you that he is very sick.”

“What?” Natsuki said, her face contorting in emotion.

“He has no one to take care of him,” The aunt said, “And he only seems to be getting worse. I thought you should know.”

“I… I’ll get my things,” Natsuki said, turning to go back up the stairs.

“Natsuki!” Yuri grabbed Natsuki’s arm. “Why?”

Natsuki didn’t say anything, she just pulled away and left into her room.

Yuri wanted to say something. She wanted to fight back, but what could she say anyway? She had just terrified Natsuki only moments ago. Was this even a safe place for Natsuki?

Yuri had suspected their time together couldn’t last. Yuri deserved to be alone. She was fucked up and a coward. To think she could save Natsuki was a ridiculous thought.

Natsuki came back down the stairs with her things.

“C’mon, lets go,” The aunt said, beckoning to Natsuki.

Natsuki gave a sad smile to Yuri, before walking out the door.

Yuri let the door close, and then she staggered back to her room. Natsuki shouldn’t have to take care of her abusive father. But just moments earlier, Yuri had frightened Natsuki.

Natsuki had never been judgmental about Yuri cutting once she apologized for getting mad about the blood on the bed in the guest room. Yet it was still clear that Yuri’s cutting and knife collection represented a violence that Natsuki had been trying to escape from when she left her father. Yuri’s coping method was unhealthy for them both.

If Yuri really wanted the best for them both, she would have to give up cutting so that they both could heal. She would stop having the choice to hurt herself, and she wouldn’t have the chance of scaring Natsuki again.

Yuri looked over at her chest of knives. She needed cutting. How else could she deal with the anxieties and emotions that constantly threatened to overpower her?

The blade in her hand felt so cold. Yuri looked out the window as she heard the car starting up. Her heart felt empty and desolate.

The moon was so white, it looked frozen…

 

* * *

 

 

Sayori was running.

Monika had disappeared again. Storm clouds were starting to form overhead.

Sayori didn’t know where Monika had gone. She was trying to imagine what Monika might be thinking, but Monika was so incomprehensible these days that it hurt Sayori to watch her as she made her strange choices. Sayori hated that she didn’t understand Monika anymore.

Raindrops were starting to fall.

There was one place that Sayori thought Monika might be. It was a place that Monika had once said helped her clear her mind. And it was within walking distance of their apartment. The car wasn’t gone so Sayori hoped Monika wasn’t too far.

Sayori saw Monika as she approached the hill. There was a steep slope on the other side that overlooked the city. It was a beautiful view, but in this moment Sayori couldn’t help but feel like Monika was standing too close to the edge.

“Moni!” Sayori cried.

The rain was falling more heavily now. Monika turned slowly and wiped the hair from her face. She didn’t meet Sayori’s eyes.

“You…” Monika seemed strangely emotionless. “You shouldn’t have come…”

“Please come home,” Sayori said.

“Don’t you understand?” Monika smiled sadly. “I don’t want to see you.”

“What?” Sayori staggered back a step.

“Every time I’m with you I can only see you hanging from a noose.” Monika looked into Sayori’s eyes. “Don’t you understand? My whole life is a lie. Everyone acts like it’s okay that I’m here, when I should be burning in hell.”

“Monika…” Sayori felt her feet sinking into the mud.

“Just leave…” Monika turned away. “I’m freeing you. You deserve so much better than… than a monster like me.”

Sayori opened her mouth but nothing came out.

The moon was so white.

Why did she feel like if she could touch it, it would be ice cold?

 

* * *

Yuri had just lost everything. As she sat on her knees in the dark of her room, she had only one desire: to cut.

Cutting was her only escape. If she lost that too… then she might as well die.

Yuri cried as she heard the car begin to pull out of the driveway outside. Natsuki really was leaving. Pressing the blade onto her skin, Yuri wanted nothing than to slice deep into her skin.

Why wouldn’t the tears stop...

Looking up, Yuri noticed something strange. One of her horror books sat on the floor by Natsuki’s side of the bed. Yuri knew she hadn’t left it there, but the idea of Natsuki reading it was crazy. Natsuki never would read that kind of stuff. But then Yuri noticed something else.

Inside the book, sticking out, was a pink bookmark. It had to be Natsuki’s.

That didn’t make sense though. Unless…

Yuri dropped the knife, sobbing into her hands.

She got up and ran over to her chest of knives. She was going to stop cutting for good. She would remove that violence from her home, so that it would be safe for her and Natsuki. There would be nothing to remind her of her father’s violent ways. It would be their home, where they could both heal.

Yuri gripped the sides of the chest and lifted it up.

The loud crash caused Natsuki’s aunt to slam on the breaks.

“What the hell?” The uncle said.

In the middle of Yuri’s yard lay her chest of knives, smashed to pieces. Natsuki could spot Yuri leaning out from the window on the second floor, breathing heavily. She must have pushed the chest out. Suddenly she disappeared from view.

“This friend of yours,” The uncle said, “Is a piece of work.”

She began to drive again, only to slam on the breaks again as Yuri leaped in front of the car, hands pressed on the hood.

“Natsuki!” Yuri cried. She felt so nervous to be making a confrontation like this.

Natsuki got out of the car and looked up at Yuri.

“What are you doing?” Natsuki asked, stunned.

“I’m not going to let you leave!” Yuri said. She felt tears starting to form in her eyes from the mixture of emotions inside her. “Your father may be sick, but it’s not your responsibility to take care of him! He hurt you, and you’ll only be hurt again if you go back.”

“I…” Natsuki stared down at the road.

“We have to both give up our old lives, I’ve realized,” Yuri said, “It’s painful, but we have to give up the parts of our lives that hurt us. This home… it’s going to be our home. We are going to heal, together. Please don’t go.”

Natsuki met Yuri’s gaze. She looked conflicted.

“I…” Natsuki glanced towards the car at her aunt and uncle. Finally, she looked back at Yuri with hope in her eyes. “I want a new life with you.”

“I love you,” Yuri said, her body shaking. She felt overwhelmed with emotion. “I never want to be apart from you.”

Rain was falling, pooling up in the potholes of the street.

“I love you too,” Natsuki cried, running into Yuri’s arms. “Don’t let me go!”

Yuri grabbed her tight as the rain soaked them both.

“You’re the most beautiful thing that’s ever happened to me,” Yuri said.

“I’ve never had anyone who’s done this much for me,” Natsuki said, “Thank you for stopping me from leaving.”

Natsuki stood on her tiptoes and kissed Yuri as the rain fell softly around them.

 

* * *

 

“I want to be punished for what I’ve done!” Monika screamed into the sky. “I can’t live with this guilt anymore! I just… I just…”

Sayori ran up to Monika and grabbed her hands.

“Stop it!” Sayori cried, “Stop this Monika! You’ve suffered enough! You’ve suffered so much.”

She pulled Monika in close, wrapping her arms around her tightly.

“Don’t shut me out,” Sayori said, “Don’t ever shut me out again. We are a team, and I’m not going to let you destroy yourself.”

“I don’t… I don’t deserve you…” Monika said between sobs.

“You were so supportive of me in high school,” Sayori said, “I was in such a dark place. You were so popular and it never made sense to me why you went out of your way to spend time with a nobody like me. I never thought I’d get the chance to repay you for the kindness you showed me then…”

“I just felt guilty for watching you die so many times…” Monika said.

“Shh…” Sayori ran her hand through Monika’s wet hair. “As if I’d believe that. You planned out that whole crazy scheme to ask me to date you just because you felt guilty? There’s no way you’d buy me that much chocolate just because you felt guilty.” Sayori giggled softly.

Monika snorted and let out a giggle between her sobs.

“What was that?” Sayori said teasingly, reaching her hand down to tickle Monika.

“Stop,” Monika said, a smile creeping onto her face.

“I can’t hear you,” Sayori said, her own face filled with a mischievous grin.

“Stop!” Monika said, laughing as she stepped back.

“Moni!” Sayori cried out, “The edge!”

Monika slipped in the mud, her body angled above the city far below.

There was a weird emotion on Monika’s face, as though she were considering just letting herself fall. She could take this moment, and let herself disappear from the world. Wouldn’t that atone for her sins?

Sayori shot out her hand, fingers grasping into the air.

There was a look in Sayori’s eyes, one of hope and wisdom. Sayori had once considered disappearing from the world as well. But that wouldn’t solve anything.

The world is made up of two sides of the same coin.

Just as there exists pain and sorrow, there exists great joy and love in the world.

And that is worth fighting for.

Monika shot out her hand and grabbed ahold of Sayori’s. They would both continue living.

They didn’t have to be alone anymore.

 

* * *

 

Yuri smiled as Natsuki snuggled up closer to her. The sun felt warm on her skin as they lay on a blanket in the grass.

Sitting against a tree, Monika strummed out a song on her guitar. She only had a select few that she would play, so Yuri was starting to recognize the songs. Monika had improved a lot over the last few months. Sayori sat next to her, singing along.

A lot had changed over the past few months. Everyone seemed to be gaining a little more confidence in themselves, especially Natsuki who often threatened to beat up any boys who so much as looked at Yuri wrong.

Yuri realized that of course things weren’t going to magically be fixed. She had so much to work on. They all did. But now they had each other for support. Yuri still had that nagging feeling of wanting to disappear completely, and she probably always would. She had to exist in this world though, and her friends would be there to help her. Things were not perfect, but at least they could find comfort in the fact that they were not alone in their struggles.

The four of them would continue to change along with the world. But amid the chaos, Yuri could count on one thing: she would never give up on her friends, and they wouldn’t give up on her.

They would always be the Literature Club.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for reading! It has been almost ten months since I first started this fic, and I'm amazed I actually finished it. The support from everyone has been great and I hope everyone enjoyed how the story ended.
> 
> This is my first time finishing a story, so the future is unclear from here! If you feel like talking or you have some kind of fic request, you can add me on discord, I'm Nessa_NanoDesu#4987.
> 
> <3 Nessa


End file.
